第二十四回

第二十四回 王婆贪贿说风情 郓哥不忿闹茶肆

诗曰：

酒色端能误国邦，由来美色陷忠良。

纣因妲己宗祧失，吴为西施社稷亡。

自爱青春行处乐，岂知红粉笑中枪。

武松已杀贪淫妇，莫向东风怨彼苍。

话说当日武都头回转身来看见那人，扑翻身便拜。那人原来不是别人，正是武松的嫡亲哥哥武大郎。武松拜罢，说道：“一年有馀不见哥哥，如何却在这里？”武大道：“二哥，你去了许多时，如何不寄封书来与我？我又怨你，又想你。”武松道：“哥哥如何是怨我、想我？”武大道：“我怨你时，当初你在清河县里，要便吃酒醉了，和人相打，如常吃官司，教我要便随衙听候，不曾有一个月净办[1]，常教我受苦，这个便是怨你处。想你时，我近来取得一个老小，清河县人不怯气，都来相欺负，没人做主。你在家时，谁敢来放个屁？我如今在那里安不得身，只得搬来这里赁房居住，因此便是想你处。”看官听说：原来武大与武松是一母所生两个，武松身长八尺，一貌堂堂，浑身上下有千百斤气力，不恁地，如何打得那个猛虎？这武大郎身不满五尺，面目生得狰狞，头脑可笑，清河县人见他生得短矮，起他一个诨名，叫做“三寸丁谷树皮”。那清河县里有一个大户人家，有个使女，小名唤做潘金莲，年方二十馀岁，颇有些颜色。因为那个大户要缠他，这女使只是去告主人婆，意下不肯依从。那个大户以此恨记于心，却倒赔些房奁，不要武大一文钱，白白地嫁与他。自从武大娶得那妇人之后，清河县里有几个奸诈的浮浪子弟们，却来他家里薅恼。原来这妇人见武大身材短矮，人物猥，不会风流，这婆娘倒诸般好，为头的爱偷汉子。有诗为证：

金莲容貌更堪题，笑蹙春山八字眉。

若遇风流清子弟，等闲云雨便偷期。

却说那潘金莲过门之后，武大是个懦弱依本分的人，被这一班人不时间在门前叫道：“好一块羊肉，倒落在狗口里。”因此武大在清河县住不牢，搬来这阳谷县紫石街赁房居住，每日仍旧挑卖炊饼。此日正在县前做买卖，当下见了武松。武大道：“兄弟，我前日在街上听得人沸沸地说道：‘景阳冈上一个打虎的壮士，姓武，县里知县参他做个都头。’我也八分猜道是你，原来今日才得撞见。我且不做买卖，一同和你家去。”武松道：“哥哥家在那里？”武大用手指道：“只在前面紫石街便是。”武松替武大挑了担儿，武大引着武松转湾抹角，一径望紫石街来。转过两个湾，来到一个茶坊间壁，武大叫一声：“大嫂开门！”只见芦帘起处，一个妇人出到帘子下，应道：“大哥，怎地半早便归？”武大道：“你的叔叔在这里，且来厮见。”武大郎接了担儿入去，便出来道：“二哥，入屋里来和你嫂嫂相见。”武松揭起帘子，入进里面，与那妇人相见。武大说道：“大嫂，原来景阳冈上打死大虫新充做都头的，正是我这兄弟。”那妇人叉手向前道：“叔叔万福。”武松道：“嫂嫂请坐。”武松当下推金山，倒玉柱，纳头便拜。那妇人向前扶住武松道：“叔叔，折杀奴家。”武松道：“嫂嫂受礼。”那妇人道：“奴家也听得说道，有个打虎的好汉，迎到县前。奴家也正待要去看一看，不想去得太迟了，赶不上，不曾看见。原来却是叔叔。且请叔叔到楼上去坐。”武松看那妇人时，但见：

眉似初春柳叶，常含着雨恨云愁；脸如三月桃花，暗藏着风情月意。纤腰袅娜，拘束的燕懒莺慵；檀口轻盈，勾引得蜂狂蝶乱。玉貌妖娆花解语，芳容窈窕玉生香。

当下那妇人叫武大请武松上楼，主客席里坐地。三个人同归到楼上坐了，那妇人看着武大道：“我陪侍着叔叔坐地，你去安排些酒食来管待叔叔。”武大应道：“最好。二哥你且坐一坐，我便来也。”武大下楼去了。那妇人在楼上看了武松这表人物，自心里寻思道：“武松与他是嫡亲一母兄弟，他又生的这般长大。我嫁得这等一个，也不枉了为人一世。你看我那‘三寸丁谷树皮’，三分像人，七分似鬼，我直恁地晦气！据着武松，大虫也吃他打了，他必然好气力。说他又未曾婚娶，何不叫他搬来我家住？不想这段因缘却在这里！”那妇人脸上堆下笑来，问武松道：“叔叔来这里几日了？”武松答道：“到此间十数日了。”妇人道：“叔叔在那里安歇？”武松道：“胡乱权在县衙里安歇。”那妇人道：“叔叔，恁地时却不便当。”武松道：“独自一身，容易料理。早晚自有土兵伏侍。”妇人道：“那等人伏侍叔叔，怎地顾管得到。何不搬来一家里住？早晚要些汤水吃时，奴家亲自安排与叔叔吃，不强似这伙腌人安排饮食。叔叔便吃口清汤，也放心得下。”武松道：“深谢嫂嫂。”那妇人道：“莫不别处有婶婶？可取来厮会也好。”武松道：“武二并不曾婚娶。”妇人又问道：“叔叔青春多少？”武松道：“虚度二十五岁。”那妇人道：“长奴三岁。叔叔今番从那里来？”武松道：“在沧州住了一年有馀，只想哥哥在清河县住，不想却搬在这里。”那妇人道：“一言难尽！自从嫁得你哥哥，吃他忒善了，被人欺负，清河县里住不得，搬来这里。若得叔叔这般雄壮，谁敢道个不字。”武松道：“家兄从来本分，不似武二撒泼。”那妇人道：“怎地这般颠倒说！常言道：人无刚骨，安身不牢。奴家平生快性，看不得这般三答不回头，四答和身转的人。”有诗为证：

叔嫂萍踪得偶逢，妖娆偏逞秀仪容。

私心便欲成欢会，暗把邪言钓武松。

却说潘金莲言语甚是精细撇清。武松道：“家兄却不道得惹事，要嫂嫂忧心。”正在楼上说话未了，武大买了些酒肉果品归来，放在厨下，走上楼来，叫道：“大嫂，你下来安排。”那妇人应道：“你看那不晓事的！叔叔在这里坐地，却教我撇了下来。”武松道：“嫂嫂请自便。”那妇人道：“何不去叫间壁王干娘安排便了？只是这般不见便！”武大自去央了间壁王婆，安排端正了，都搬上楼来，摆在桌子上，无非是些鱼肉果菜之类。随即盪酒上来，武大叫妇人坐了主位，武松对席，武大打横。三个人坐下，武大筛酒在各人面前。那妇人拿起酒来道：“叔叔休怪，没甚管待，请酒一杯。”武松道：“感谢嫂嫂，休这般说。”武大只顾上下筛酒盪酒，那里来管别事。那妇人笑容可掬，满口儿叫：“叔叔，怎地鱼和肉也不吃一块儿？”拣好的递将过来。武松是个直性的汉子，只把做亲嫂嫂相待，谁知那妇人是个使女出身，惯会小意儿，亦不想那妇人一片引人的心。武大又是个善弱的人，那里会管待人。那妇人吃了几杯酒，一双眼只看着武松的身上。武松吃他看不过，只低了头不恁么理会。当日吃了十数杯酒，武松便起身。武大道：“二哥再吃几杯了去。”武松道：“只好恁地，却又来望哥哥。”都送下楼来。那妇人道：“叔叔是必搬来家里住。若是叔叔不搬来时，教我两口儿也吃别人笑话。亲兄弟，难比别人。大哥，你便打点一间房屋，请叔叔来家里过活，休教邻舍街坊道个不是。”武大道：“大嫂说的是。二哥你便搬来，也教我争口气。”武松道：“既是哥哥嫂嫂恁地说时，今晚有些行李便取了来。”那妇人道：“叔叔是必记心，奴这里专望。”有诗为证：

可怪金莲用意深，包藏淫行荡春心。

武松正大元难犯，耿耿清名抵万金。

那妇人情意十分殷勤。武松别了哥嫂，离了紫石街，径投县里来。正值知县在厅上坐衙，武松上厅来禀道：“武松有个亲兄，搬在紫石街居住。武松欲就家里宿歇，早晚衙门中听候使唤。不敢擅去，请恩相钧旨。”知县道：“这是孝悌的勾当，我如何阻你，其理正当。你可每日来县里伺候。”武松谢了，收拾行李铺盖，有那新制的衣服并前者赏赐的物件，叫个土兵挑了，武松引到哥哥家里。那妇人见了，却比半夜里拾金宝的一般欢喜，堆下笑来。武大叫个木匠就楼下整了一间房，铺下一张床，里面放一条桌子，安两个杌子，一个火炉。武松先把行李安顿了，分付土兵自回去，当晚就哥嫂家里歇卧。次日早起，那妇人慌忙起来烧洗面汤，舀漱口水，叫武松洗漱了口面，裹了巾帻，出门去县里画卯。那妇人道：“叔叔，画了卯，早些个归来吃饭，休去别处吃。”武松道：“便来也。”径去县里画了卯，伺候了一早晨，回到家里。那妇人洗手剔甲，齐齐整整，安排下饭食，三口儿共桌儿食。武松是个直性的人，倒无安身之处。吃了饭，那妇人双手捧一盏茶递与武松吃。武松道：“教嫂嫂生受，武松寝食不安。县里拨一个土兵来使唤。”那妇人连声叫道：“叔叔却怎地这般见外？自家的骨肉，又不伏侍了别人。便拨一个土兵来使用，这厮上锅上灶地不干净，奴眼里也看不得这等人。”武松道：“恁地时，却生受嫂嫂。”有诗为证：

武松仪表甚温柔，阿嫂淫心不可收。

笼络归来家里住，要同云雨会风流。

话休絮繁。自从武松搬将家里来，取些银子与武大，教买饼馓茶果，请邻舍吃茶。众邻舍斗[2]分子来与武松人情，武大又安排了回席，都不在话下。过了数日，武松取出一匹彩色段子与嫂嫂做衣裳。那妇人笑嘻嘻道：“叔叔，如何使得！既然叔叔把与奴家，不敢推辞，只得接了。”武松自此只在哥哥家里宿歇。武大依前上街挑卖炊饼。武松每日自去县里画卯，承应差使。不论归迟归早，那妇人顿羹顿饭，欢天喜地伏侍武松，武松倒安身不得。那妇人常把些言语来撩拨他，武松是个硬心直汉，却不见怪。有话即长，无话即短。不觉过了一月有馀，看看是十一月天气，连日朔风紧起，四下里彤云密布，又早纷纷扬扬飞下一天瑞雪来。怎见得好雪？正是：

尽道丰年瑞，丰年瑞若何？

长安有贫者，宜瑞不宜多。

当日那雪直下到一更天气，却似银铺世界，玉碾乾坤。次日，武松清早出去县里画卯，直到日中未归。武大被这妇人赶出去做买卖，央及间壁王婆买下些酒肉之类，去武松房里簇了一盆炭火，心里自想道：“我今日着实撩斗[3]他一撩斗，不信他不动情。”那妇人独自一个冷冷清清立在帘儿下，看那大雪。但见：

万里彤云密布，空中祥瑞飘帘。琼花片片舞前檐。剡溪当此际，冻住子猷船。顷刻楼台如玉，江山银色相连。飞琼撒粉漫遥天。当时吕蒙正，窑内叹无钱。

其日武松正在雪里踏着那乱琼碎玉归来，那妇人推起帘子，陪着笑脸迎接道：“叔叔寒冷。”武松道：“感谢嫂嫂忧念。”入得门来，便把毡笠儿除将下来。那妇人双手去接，武松道：“不劳嫂嫂生受。”自把雪来拂了，挂在壁上。解了腰里缠袋，脱了身上鹦哥绿丝衲袄，入房里搭了。那妇人便道：“奴等一早起，叔叔怎地不归来吃早饭？”武松道：“便是县里一个相识，请吃早饭。却才又有一个作杯，我不奈烦，一直走到家来。”那妇人道：“恁地，叔叔向火。”武松道：“便好。”脱了油靴，换了一双袜子，穿了暖鞋，掇条杌子自近火边坐地。那妇人把前门上了拴，后门也关了，却搬些按酒果品菜蔬，入武松房里来摆在桌子上。

武松问道：“哥哥那里去未归？”妇人道：“你哥哥每日自出去做买卖，我和叔叔自饮三杯。”武松道：“一发等哥哥家来吃。”妇人道：“那里等的他来。”说犹未了，早暖了一注子酒来。武松道：“嫂嫂坐地，等武二去盪酒正当。”妇人道：“叔叔，你自便。”那妇人也掇条杌子近火边坐了。桌儿上摆着杯盘。那妇人拿盏酒，擎在手里，看着武松道：“叔叔，满饮此杯。”武松接过手去，一饮而尽。那妇人又筛一杯酒来说道：“天色寒冷，叔叔饮个成双杯儿。”武松道：“嫂嫂自便。”接来又一饮而尽。武松却筛一杯酒递与那妇人吃。妇人接过酒来吃了，却拿注子再斟酒来，放在武松面前。

那妇人将酥胸微露，云鬟半軃[4]，脸上堆着笑容说道：“我听得一个闲人说道，叔叔在县前东街上养着一个唱的，敢端的有这话么？”武松道：“嫂嫂休听外人胡说，武二从来不是这等人。”妇人道：“我不信，只怕叔叔口头不似心头。”武松道：“嫂嫂不信时，只问哥哥。”那妇人道：“他晓的甚么？晓的这等事时，不卖炊饼了。叔叔，且请一杯。”连筛了三四杯酒饮了。那妇人也有三杯酒落肚，哄动春心，那里按纳得住，只管把闲话来说。武松也知了八九分，自家只把头来低了，却不来兜揽他。那妇人起身去盪酒，武松自在房里拿起火箸簇火。那妇人暖了一注子酒，来到房里，一只手拿着注子，一只手便去武松肩胛上只一捏，说道：“叔叔只穿这些衣裳，不冷？”武松已自有五分不快意，也不应他。那妇人见他不应，劈手便来夺火箸，口里道：“叔叔你不会簇火，我与你拨火。只要一似火盆常热便好。”武松有八分焦躁，只不做声。那妇人欲心似火，不看武松焦躁，便放了火箸，却筛一盏酒来，自呷了一口，剩了大半盏，看着武松道：“你若有心，吃我这半盏儿残酒。”武松劈手夺来，泼在地下，说道：“嫂嫂休要恁地不识羞耻！”把手只一推，争些儿把那妇人推一跤。武松睁起眼来道：“武二是个顶天立地噙齿带发男子汉，不是那等败坏风俗没人伦的猪狗！嫂嫂休要这般不识廉耻，为此等的勾当。倘有些风吹草动，武二眼里认的是嫂嫂，拳头却不认的是嫂嫂。再来休要恁地！”那妇人通红了脸，便收拾了杯盘盏碟，口里说道：“我自作乐耍子，不值得便当真起来，好不识人敬重！”搬了家火，自向厨下去了。有诗为证：

泼贱操心太不良，贪淫无耻坏纲常。

席间尚且求云雨，反被都头骂一场。

却说潘金莲勾搭武松不动，反被抢白一场。武松自在房里气忿忿地。天色却早未牌时分，武大挑了担儿归来推门，那妇人慌忙开门。武大进来歇了担儿，随到厨下。见老婆双眼哭的红红的，武大道：“你和谁闹来？”那妇人道：“都是你不争气，教外人来欺负我！”武大道：“谁人敢来欺负你？”妇人道：“情知是有谁！争奈武二那厮，我见他大雪里归来，连忙安排酒请他吃。他见前后没人，便把言语来调戏我。”武大道：“我的兄弟不是这等人，从来老实。休要高做声，吃邻舍家笑话。”武大撇了老婆，来到武松房里叫道：“二哥，你不曾吃点心，我和你吃些个。”武松只不则声。寻思了半晌，再脱了丝鞋，依旧穿上油膀靴，着了上盖，带上毡笠儿，一头系缠袋，一面出门。武大叫道：“二哥那里去？”也不应，一直地只顾去了。武大回到厨下来问老婆道：“我叫他又不应，只顾望县前这条路走了去，正是不知怎地了？”那妇人骂道：“糊突桶！有甚么难见处！那厮羞了，没脸儿见你，走了出去。我猜他已定叫个人来搬行李，不要在这里宿歇。却不要又留他！”武大道：“他搬了去，须吃别人笑话。”那妇人道：“混沌魍魉！他来调戏我倒不吃别人笑！你要便自和他道话，我却做不的这样人。你还了我一纸休书来，你自留他便是了。”武大那里敢再开口。

正在家中两口儿絮聒，只见武松引了一个土兵，拿着条扁担，径来房里收拾了行李，便出门去。武大赶出来叫道：“二哥，做甚么便搬了去？”武松道：“哥哥不要问，说起来装你的幌子[5]。你只由我自去便了。”武大那里敢再问备细，由武松搬了去。那妇人在里面喃喃呐呐的骂道：“却也好！只道说是亲难转债。人只道一个亲兄弟做都头，怎地养活了哥嫂，却不知反来嚼咬人。正是花木瓜，空好看。你搬了去，倒谢天地，且得冤家离眼前。”武大见老婆这等骂，正不知怎地，心中只是咄咄不乐，放他不下。

自从武松搬了去县衙里宿歇，武大自依然每日上街挑卖炊饼。本待要去县里寻兄弟说话，却被这婆娘千叮万嘱，分付教不要去兜揽他，因此武大不敢去寻武松。有诗为证：

雨意云情不遂谋，心中谁信起戈矛。

生将武二搬离去，骨肉翻令作寇仇。

拈指间，岁月如流，不觉雪晴，过了十数日。却说本县知县自到任已来，却得二年半多了。赚得好些金银，欲待要使人送上东京去与亲眷处收贮，恐到京师转除他处时要使用。却怕路上被人劫了去，须得一个有本事的心腹人去便好。猛可想起武松来：“须是此人可去，有这等英雄了得。”当日便唤武松到衙内商议道：“我有一个亲戚在东京城里住，欲要送一担礼物去，就捎封书问安则个。只恐途中不好行，须是得你这等英雄好汉方去得。你可休辞辛苦，与我去走一遭，回来我自重重赏你。”武松应道：“小人得蒙恩相抬举，安敢推故。既蒙差遣，只得便去。小人也自来不曾到东京，就那里观看光景一遭。相公明日打点端正了便行。”知县大喜，赏了三杯，不在话下。

且说武松领下知县言语，出县门来，到得下处，取了些银两，叫了个土兵，却来街上买了一瓶酒并鱼肉果品之类，一径投紫石街来，直到武大家里。武大恰好卖炊饼了回来，见武松在门前坐地，叫土兵去厨下安排。那妇人馀情不断，见武松把将酒食来，心中自想道：“莫不这厮思量我了，却又回来？那厮以定强不过我，且慢慢地相问他。”那妇人便上楼去，重匀粉面，再整云鬟，换些艳色衣服穿了，来到门前，迎接武松。那妇人拜道：“叔叔，不知怎地错见了，好几日并不上门，教奴心里没理会处。每日叫你哥哥来县里寻叔叔陪话，归来只说道‘没寻处’，今日且喜得叔叔家来。没事坏钱做甚么？”武松答道：“武二有句话，特来要和哥哥嫂嫂说知则个。”那妇人道：“既是如此，楼上去坐地。”三个人来到楼上客位里，武松让哥嫂上首坐了，武松掇条杌子，横头坐了。土兵搬将酒肉上楼来摆在桌子上，武松劝哥哥嫂嫂吃酒。那妇人只顾把眼来睃武松，武松只顾吃酒。酒至五巡，武松讨副劝杯，叫土兵筛了一杯酒，拿在手里，看着武大道：“大哥在上，今日武二蒙知县相公差往东京干事，明日便要起程。多是两个月，少是四五十日便回。有句话特来和你说知：你从来为人懦弱，我不在家，恐怕被外人来欺负。假如你每日卖十扇笼炊饼，你从明日为始，只做五扇笼出去卖；每日迟出早归，不要和人吃酒。归到家里，便下了帘子，早闭上门，省了多少是非口舌。如若有人欺负你，不要和他争执，待我回来自和他理论。大哥依我时，满饮此杯。”武大接了酒道：“我兄弟见得是，我都依你说。”吃过了一杯酒。

武松再筛第二杯酒，对那妇人说道：“嫂嫂是个精细的人，不必用武松多说。我哥哥为人质朴，全靠嫂嫂做主看觑他。常言道：表壮不如里壮。嫂嫂把得家定，我哥哥烦恼做甚么？岂不闻古人言：篱牢犬不入。”那妇人听了这话，被武松说了这一篇，一点红从耳朵边起，紫胀了面皮，指着武大便骂道：“你这个腌混沌，有甚么言语在外人处说来欺负老娘！我是一个不带头巾男子汉，叮叮响的婆娘，拳头上立得人，胳膊上走的马，人面上行的人！不是那等搠不出的鳖老婆！自从嫁了武大，真个蝼蚁也不敢入屋里来，有甚么篱笆不牢，犬儿钻得入来？你胡言乱语，一句句都要下落，丢下砖头瓦儿，一个也要着地。”武松笑道：“若得嫂嫂这般做主，最好。只要心口相应，却不要心头不似口头。既然如此，武二都记得嫂嫂说的话了，请饮过此杯。”那妇人推开酒盏，一直跑下楼来，走到半胡梯上发话道：“你既是聪明伶俐，恰不道长嫂为母！我当初嫁武大时，曾不听得说有甚么阿叔。那里走得来，是亲不是亲，便要做乔家公。自是老娘晦气了，鸟撞着许多事！”哭下楼去了。有诗为证：

苦口良言谏劝多，金莲怀恨起风波。

自家惶愧难存坐，气杀英雄小二哥。

且说那妇人做出许多奸伪张致[6]，那武大、武松弟兄两个吃了几杯，武松拜辞哥哥。武大道：“兄弟去了，早早回来，和你相见。”口里说，不觉眼中堕泪。武松见武大眼中垂泪，又说道：“哥哥便不做得买卖也罢，只在家里坐地，盘缠兄弟自送将来。”武大送武松下楼来。临出门，武松又道：“大哥，我的言语休要忘了。”

武松带了土兵，自回县前来收拾。次日早起来，拴束了包裹，来见知县。那知县已自先差下一辆车儿，把箱笼都装载车子上，点两个精壮土兵，县衙里拨两个心腹伴当，都分付了。那四个跟了武松就厅前拜辞了知县，拽扎起，提了朴刀，监押车子，一行五人离了阳谷县，取路望东京来。在路免不得饥餐渴饮，夜宿晓行，都不在话下。

话分两头。只说武大郎自从武松说了去，整整的吃那婆娘骂了三四日。武大忍气吞声，由他自骂，心里只依着兄弟的言语，真个每日只做一半炊饼出去卖，未晚便归；一脚歇了担儿，便去除了帘子，关上大门，却来家里坐地。那妇人看了这般，心内焦躁，指着武大脸上骂道：“混沌浊物！我倒不曾见日头在半天里，便把着丧门关了，也须吃别人道我家怎地禁鬼。听你那兄弟鸟嘴，也不怕别人笑耻！”武大道：“由他们笑道说我家禁鬼。我的兄弟说的是好话，省了多少是非。”那妇人道：“呸！浊物！你是个男子汉，自不做主，却听别人调遣！”武大摇手道：“由他！他说的话是金子言语。”自武松去了十数日，武大每日只是晏出早归，归到家里，便关了门。那妇人也和他闹了几场，向后闹惯了，不以为事。自此，这妇人约莫到武大归时，先自去收了帘子，关上大门。武大见了，自心里也喜，寻思道：“恁地时却好。”

又过了三二日，冬已将残，天色回阳微暖。当日武大将次归来，那妇人惯了，自先向门前来叉那帘子。也是合当有事，却好一个人从帘子边走过。自古道：没巧不成话。这妇人正手里拿叉竿不牢，失手滑将倒去，不端不正，却好打在那人头巾上。那人立住了脚，正待要发作，回过脸来看时，是个生的妖娆的妇人，先自酥了半边，那怒气直钻过爪洼国[7]去了，变作笑吟吟的脸儿。这妇人情知不是，叉手深深地道个万福，说道：“奴家一时失手，官人休怪。”那人一头把手整头巾，一面把腰曲着地还礼道：“不妨事，娘子请尊便。”却被这间壁的王婆见了。那婆子正在茶局子里水帘底下看见了，笑道：“兀谁教大官人打这屋檐边过，打得正好！”那人笑道：“倒是小人不是，冲撞娘子，休怪。”那妇人答道：“官人不要见责。”那人又笑着，大大地唱个肥喏道：“小人不敢。”那一双眼都只在这妇人身上，临动身也回了七八遍头，自摇摇摆摆，踏着八字脚去了。有诗为证：

风日清和漫出游，偶从帘下识娇羞。

只因临去秋波转，惹起春心不肯休。

这妇人自收了帘子、叉竿归去，掩上大门，等武大归来。

再说那人姓甚名谁？那里居住？原来只是阳谷县一个破落户财主，就县前开着个生药铺；从小也是一个奸诈的人，使得些好拳棒；近来暴发迹，专在县里管些公事，与人放刁把滥，说事过钱，排陷官吏，因此满县人都饶让他些个。那人复姓西门，单讳一个庆字，排行第一，人都唤他做西门大郎，近来发迹有钱，人都称他做西门大官人。不多时，只见那西门庆一转，踅入王婆茶坊里来，便去里边水帘下坐了。王婆笑道：“大官人，却才唱得好个大肥喏。”西门庆也笑道：“干娘你且来，我问你：间壁这个雌儿是谁的老小？”王婆道：“他是阎罗大王的妹子，五道将军的女儿，武大官的妻！问他怎地？”西门庆道：“我和你说正话，休要取笑。”王婆道：“大官人怎么不认得他老公？便是每日在县前卖熟食的。”西门庆道：“莫非是卖枣糕徐三的老婆？”王婆摇手道：“不是。若是他的也是一对儿。大官人再猜。”西门庆道：“敢是银担子李二的老婆？”王婆摇头道：“不是。若是他的时，也倒是一双。”西门庆道：“倒敢是花胳膊陆小乙的妻子？”王婆大笑道：“不是。若是他的时，又是好一对儿。大官人再猜一猜。”西门庆道：“干娘，我其实猜不着。”王婆哈哈笑道：“好教大官人得知了笑一声，他的盖老[8]，便是街上卖炊饼的武大郎。”西门庆跌脚笑道：“莫不是人叫他‘三寸丁谷树皮’的武大郎？”王婆道：“正是他。”西门庆听了，叫起苦来，说道：“好块羊肉，怎地落在狗口里！”王婆道：“便是这般苦事。自古道：骏马却驮痴汉走，美妻常伴拙夫眠。月下老[9]偏生要是这般配合。”西门庆道：“王干娘，我少你多少茶钱？”王婆道：“不多，由他，歇些时却算。”西门庆又道：“你儿子跟谁出去？”王婆道：“说不得，跟一个客人淮上去，至今不归，又不知死活。”西门庆道：“却不叫他跟我？”王婆笑道：“若得大官人抬举他，十分之好。”西门庆道：“等他归来，却再计较。”再说了几句闲话，相谢起身去了。约莫未及两个时辰，又踅将来王婆店门口帘边坐地，朝着武大门前。半歇，王婆出来道：“大官人吃个梅汤？”西门庆道：“最好，多加些酸。”王婆做了一个梅汤，双手递与西门庆。西门庆慢慢地吃了，盏托放在桌子上。西门庆道：“王干娘，你这梅汤做得好，有多少在屋里？”王婆笑道：“老身做了一世媒，那讨一个在屋里？”西门庆道：“我问你梅汤，你却说做媒，差了多少！”王婆道：“老身只听的大官人问这媒做得好，老身只道说做媒。”西门庆道：“干娘，你既是撮合山，也与我做头媒，说头好亲事，我自重重谢你。”王婆道：“大官人，你宅上大娘子得知时，婆子这脸怎吃得耳刮子。”西门庆道：“我家大娘子最好，极是容得人。见今也讨几个身边人[10]在家里，只是没一个中得我意的。你有这般好的，与我主张一个，便来说不妨。若是回头人也好，只是中得我意。”王婆道：“前日有一个倒好，只怕大官人不要。”西门庆道：“若好时，你与我说成了，我自谢你。”王婆道：“生得十二分人物，只是年纪大些。”西门庆道：“便差一两岁，也不打紧。真个几岁？”王婆道：“那娘子戊寅生，属虎的，新年却好九十三岁。”西门庆笑道：“你看这风婆子，只要扯着风脸取笑！”西门庆笑了起身去。看看天色晚了，王婆却才点上灯来，正要关门，只见西门庆又踅将来，径去帘底下那座头上坐了，朝着武大门前只顾望。王婆道：“大官人，吃个和合汤如何？”西门庆道：“最好，干娘放甜些。”王婆点一盏和合汤，递与西门庆吃。坐个一晚，起身道：“干娘记了帐目，明日一发还钱。”王婆道：“不妨。伏惟安置，来日早请过访。”西门庆又笑了去。当晚无事。

次日清早，王婆却才开门，把眼看门外时，只见这西门庆又在门前两头来往踅。王婆见了道：“这个刷子[11]踅得紧！你看我着些甜糖，抹在这厮鼻子上，只叫他舐不着。那厮会讨县里人便宜，且教他来老娘手里纳些败缺[12]！”原来这个开茶坊的王婆，也是不依本分的。端的这婆子：

开言欺陆贾，出口胜隋何。只凭说六国唇枪，全仗话三齐舌剑。只鸾孤凤，霎时间交仗成双；寡妇鳏男，一席话搬唆捉对。解使三重门内女，遮么九级殿中仙。玉皇殿下侍香金童，把臂拖来；王母宫中传言玉女，拦腰抱住。略施妙计，使阿罗汉抱住比丘尼；稍用机关，教李天王搂住鬼子母。甜言说诱，男如封涉也生心；软语调和，女似麻姑须动念。教唆得织女害相思，调弄得嫦娥寻配偶。

且说这王婆却才开得门，正在茶局子里生炭，整理茶锅，张见西门庆从早晨在门前踅了几遭，一径奔入茶房里来，水帘底下，望着武大门前帘子里坐了看。王婆只做不看见，只顾在茶局里煽风炉子，不出来问茶。西门庆呼道：“干娘，点两盏茶来。”王婆应道：“大官人来了，连日少见。且请坐。”便浓浓的点两盏姜茶，将来放在桌子上。西门庆道：“干娘相陪我吃个茶。”王婆哈哈笑道：“我又不是影射[13]的。”西门庆也笑了一回，问道：“干娘，间壁卖甚么？”王婆道：“他家卖拖蒸河漏子，热荡温和大辣酥。”西门庆笑道：“你看这婆子，只是风！”王婆笑道：“我不风，他家自有亲老公！”西门庆道：“干娘，和你说正经话：说他家如法做得好炊饼，我要问他做三五十个，不知出去在家？”王婆道：“若要买炊饼，少间等他街上回了买，何消得上门上户。”西门庆道：“干娘说的是。”吃了茶，坐了一回，起身道：“干娘记了帐目。”王婆道：“不妨事。老娘牢牢写在帐上。”西门庆笑了去。

王婆只在茶局子里张时，冷眼睃见西门庆又在门前，踅过东去，又看一看；走转西来，又睃一睃；走了七八遍，径踅入茶坊里来。王婆道：“大官人稀行，好几个月不见面。”西门庆笑将起来，去身边摸出一两来银子递与王婆，说道：“干娘权收了做茶钱。”婆子笑道：“何消得许多？”西门庆道：“只顾放着。”婆子暗暗地喜欢道：“来了，这刷子当败！”且把银子来藏了，便道：“老身看大官人有些渴，吃个宽煎叶儿茶如何？”西门庆道：“干娘如何便猜得着？”婆子道：“有恁么难猜。自古道：入门休问荣枯事，观着容颜便得知。老身异样跷蹊作怪的事都猜得着。”西门庆道：“我有一件心上的事，干娘若猜的着时，输与你五两银子。”王婆笑道：“老娘也不消三智五猜，只一智便猜个十分。大官人，你把耳朵来。你这两日脚步紧，赶趁得频，以定是记挂着隔壁那个人。我这猜如何？”西门庆笑起来道：“干娘，你端的智赛隋何，机强陆贾[14]！不瞒干娘说，我不知怎地，吃他那日叉帘子时见了这一面，却似收了我三魂七魄的一般，只是没做个道理入脚处。不知你会弄手段么？”王婆哈哈的笑起来道：“老身不瞒大官人说，我家卖茶，叫做鬼打更。三年前六月初三下雪的那一日，卖了一个泡茶，直到如今不发市，专一靠些杂趁养口。”西门庆问道：“怎地叫做杂趁？”王婆笑道：“老身为头是做媒，又会做牙婆[15]，也会抱腰[16]，也会收小的，也会说风情，也会做马泊六[17]。”西门庆道：“干娘，端的与我说得这件事成，便送十两银子与你做棺材本。”

王婆道：“大官人，你听我说：但凡捱光[18]的两个字最难，要五件事俱全，方才行得。第一件，潘安的貌；第二件，驴的大行货；第三件，要似邓通有钱；第四件，小，就要绵里针忍耐；第五件，要闲工夫。此五件，唤做潘、驴、邓、小、闲。五件俱全，此事便获着。”西门庆道：“实不瞒你说，这五件事我都有些。第一，我的面貌虽比不得潘安，也充得过；第二，我小时也曾养得好大龟；第三，我家里也颇有贯伯[19]钱财，虽不及邓通，也颇得过；第四，我最耐得，他便打我四百顿，休想我回他一拳；第五，我最有闲工夫，不然，如何来的恁频？干娘，你只作成我，完备了时，我自重重的谢你。”有诗为证：

西门浪子意猖狂，死下工夫戏女娘。

亏杀卖茶王老母，生教巫女就襄王。

西门庆意已在言表。王婆道：“大官人，虽然你说五件事都全，我知道还有一件事打搅，也多是札地不得[20]。”西门庆说：“你且道甚么一件事打搅？”王婆道：“大官人，休怪老身直言。但凡捱光最难，十分光时，使钱到九分九厘，也有难成就处。我知你从来悭吝，不肯胡乱便使钱。只这一件打搅。”西门庆道：“这个极容易医治，我只听你的言情便了。”王婆道：“若是大官人肯使钱时，老身有一条计，便教大官人和这雌儿会一面。只不知官人肯依我么？”西门庆道：“不拣怎地，我都依你。干娘有甚妙计？”王婆笑道：“今日晚了，且回去。过半年三个月，却来商量。”西门庆便跪下道：“干娘休要撒科，你作成我则个！”

王婆笑道：“大官人却又慌了。老身那条计，是个上着，虽然入不得武成王[21]庙，端的强如孙武子[22]教女兵，十捉九着。大官人，我今日对你说，这个人原是清河县大户人家讨来的养女，却做得一手好针线。大官人你便买一匹白绫，一匹蓝绸，一匹白绢，再用十两好绵，都把来与老身。我却走将过去，问他讨茶吃，却与这雌儿说道：‘有个施主官人与我一套送终衣料，特来借历头，央及娘子与老身拣个好日，去请个裁缝来做。’他若见我这般说，不采我时，此事便休了。他若说：‘我替你做。’不要我叫裁缝时，这便有一分光了。我便请他家来做。他若说：‘将来我家里做。’不肯过来，此事便休了。他若欢天喜地说：‘我来做，就替你裁。’这光便有二分了。若是肯来我这里做时，却要安排些酒食点心请他。第一日，你也不要来。第二日，他若说不便当时，定要将家去做，此事便休了。他若依前肯过我家做时，这光便有三分了。这一日，你也不要来。到第三日晌午前后，你整整齐齐打扮了来，咳嗽为号。你便在门前说道：‘怎地连日不见王干娘？’我便出来，请你入房里来。若是他见你入来，便起身跑了归去，难道我拖住他？此事便休了。他若见你入来，不动身时，这光便有四分了。坐下时，便对雌儿说道：‘这个便是与我衣料的施主官人，亏杀他！’我夸大官人许多好处，你便卖弄他的针线。若是他不来兜揽应答，此事便休了。他若口里应答说话时，这光便有五分了。我却说道：‘难得这个娘子与我作成出手做。亏杀你两个施主：一个出钱的，一个出力的。不是老身路岐相央，难得这个娘子在这里，官人好做个主人，替老身与娘子浇手[23]。’你便取出银子来央我买。若是他抽身便走时，不成扯住他？此事便休了。他若是不动身时，事务易成，这光便有六分了。我却拿了银子，临出门对他道：‘有劳娘子相待大官人坐一坐。’他若也起身走了家去时，我却难道阻当他？此事便休了。若是他不起身走动时，此事又好了，这光便有七分了。等我买得东西来，摆去桌子上，我便道：‘娘子且收拾生活，吃一杯儿酒，难得这位官人坏钞。’他若不肯和你同桌吃时，走了回去，此事便休了。若是他只口里说要去，却不动身时，此事又好了，这光便有八分了。待他吃的酒浓时，正说得入港，我便推道没了酒，再叫你买，你便又央我去买。我只做去买酒，把门拽上，关你和他两个在里面。他若焦躁，跑了归去，此事便休了。他由我拽上门，不焦躁时，这光便有九分了。只欠一分光了便完就。这一分倒难。大官人，你在房里，着几句甜净的话儿说将入去。你却不可躁暴，便去动手动脚，打搅了事，那时我不管。你先假做把袖子在桌上拂落一双箸去，你只做去地下拾箸，将手去他脚上捏一捏。他若闹将起来，我自来搭救，此事也便休了，再也难得成。若是他不做声时，此是十分光了。他必然有意，这十分事做得成。这条计策如何？”西门庆听罢大喜道：“虽然上不得凌烟阁[24]，端的好计！”王婆道：“不要忘了许我的十两银子。”西门庆道：“但得一片桔皮吃，莫便忘了洞庭湖。这条计几时可行？”王婆道：“只在今晚便有回报。我如今趁武大未归，走过去细细地说诱他。你却便使人将绫绸绢匹并绵子来。”西门庆道：“得干娘完成得这件事，如何敢失信。”作别了王婆，便去市上绸绢铺里，买了绫绸绢段并十两清水好绵，家里叫个伴当，取包袱包了，带了五两碎银，径送入茶坊里。王婆接了这物，分付伴当回去。正是：

两意相交似蜜脾，王婆撮合更稀奇。

安排十件捱光事，管取交欢不负期。

这王婆开了后门，走过武大家里来。那妇人接着，请去楼上坐地。那王婆道：“娘子，怎地不过贫家吃茶？”那妇人道：“便是这几日身体不快，懒走去的。”王婆道：“娘子家里有历日么？借与老身看一看，要选个裁衣日。”那妇人道：“干娘裁甚么衣裳？”王婆道：“便是老身十病九痛，怕有些山高水低，头先要制办些送终衣服。难得近处一个财主见老身这般说，布施与我一套衣料，绫绸绢缎，又与若干好绵，放在家里一年有馀，不能勾做。今年觉道身体好生不济，又撞着如今闰月，趁这两日要做，又被那裁缝勒掯，只推生活忙，不肯来做。老身说不得这等苦。”那妇人听了笑道：“只怕奴家做得不中干娘意，若不嫌时，奴出手与干娘做，如何？”那婆子听了这话，堆下笑来，说道：“若得娘子贵手做时，老身便死来也得好处去。久闻得娘子好手针线，只是不敢来相央。”那妇人道：“这个何妨得。既是许了干娘，务要与干娘做了。将历头去叫人拣个黄道好日，奴便与你动手。”王婆道：“若是娘子肯与老身做时，娘子是一点福星，何用选日。老身也前日央人看来，说道明日是个黄道好日。老身只道裁衣不用黄道日了，不记他。”那妇人道：“归寿衣正要黄道日好，何用别选日。”王婆道：“既是娘子肯作成老身时，大胆只是明日，起动娘子到寒家则个。”那妇人道：“干娘不必，将过来做不得？”王婆道：“便是老身也要看娘子做生活则个，又怕家里没人看门前。”那妇人道：“既是干娘恁地说时，我明日饭后便来。”那婆子千恩万谢下楼去了。当晚回复了西门庆的话，约定后日准来。当夜无话。次日清早，王婆收拾房里干净了，买了些线索，安排了些茶水，在家里等候。

且说武大吃了早饭，打当了担儿，自出去做道路。那妇人把帘儿挂了，从后门走过王婆家里来。那婆子欢喜无限，接入房里坐下，便浓浓地点姜茶，撒上些松子、胡桃，递与这妇人吃了。抹得桌子干净，便将出那绫绸绢段来。妇人将尺量了长短，裁得完备，便缝起来。婆子看了，口里不住声假喝采道：“好手段！老身也活了六七十岁，眼里真个不曾见这般好针线！”那妇人缝到日中，王婆便安排些酒食请他，下了一箸面与那妇人吃了。再缝了一歇，将次晚来，便收拾起生活自归去。恰好武大归来，挑着空担儿进门，那妇人拽开门，下了帘子。武大入屋里来，看见老婆面色微红，便问道：“你那里吃酒来？”那妇人应道：“便是间壁王干娘央我做送终的衣裳，日中安排些点心请我。”武大道：“呵呀！不要吃他的。我们也有央及他处。他便央你做得件把衣裳，你便自归来吃些点心，不值得搅恼他。你明日倘或再去做时，带了些钱在身边，也买些酒食与他回礼。常言道：远亲不如近邻。休要失了人情。他若是不肯要你还礼时，你便只是拿了家来做去还他。”那妇人听了，当晚无话。有诗为证：

阿母牢笼设计深，大郎愚卤不知音。

带钱买酒酬奸诈，却把婆娘白送人。

且说王婆子设计已定，赚潘金莲来家。次日饭后，武大自出去了，王婆便踅过来相请去到他房里，取出生活，一面缝将起来。王婆自一边点茶来吃了，不在话下。看看日中，那妇人取出一贯钱付与王婆说道：“干娘，奴和你买杯酒吃。”王婆道：“呵呀！那里有这个道理！老身央及娘子在这里做生活，如何颠倒教娘子坏钱？婆子的酒食，不到的吃伤了娘子。”那妇人道：“却是拙夫分付奴来。若还干娘见外时，只是将了家去做还干娘。”那婆子听了，连声道：“大郎直恁地晓事直头。既然娘子这般说时，老身权且收下。”这婆子生怕打搅了这事，自又添钱去买些好酒好食希奇果子来，殷勤相待。看官听说，但凡世上妇人，由你十八分精细，被人小意儿过纵，十个九个着了道儿。再说王婆安排了点心，请那妇人吃了酒食，再缝了一歇，看看晚来，千恩万谢归去了。

话休絮烦。第三日早饭后，王婆只张武大出去了，便走过后头来叫道：“娘子，老身大胆。”那妇人从楼上下来道：“奴却待来也。”两个厮见了，来到王婆房里坐下，取过生活来缝。那婆子随即点盏茶来，两个吃了。那妇人看看缝到晌午前后。却说西门庆巴不到这一日，裹了顶新头巾，穿了一套整整齐齐的衣服，带了三五两碎银子，径投这紫石街来。到得茶坊门首，便咳嗽道：“王干娘，连日如何不见？”那婆子瞧科，便应道：“兀谁叫老娘？”西门庆道：“是我。”那婆子赶出来看了，笑道：“我只道是谁，却原来是施主大官人。你来得正好，且请你入去看一看。”把西门庆袖子一拖，拖进房里，看着那妇人道：“这个便是那施主，与老身这衣料的官人。”西门庆见了那妇人，便唱个喏。那妇人慌忙放下生活，还了万福。王婆却指着这妇人对西门庆道：“难得官人与老身段匹，放了一年，不曾做得。如今又亏杀这位娘子出手与老身做成全了。真个是布机也似好针线，又密又好，其实难得。大官人，你且看一看。”西门庆把起来，看了喝采，口里说道：“这位娘子怎地传得这手好生活，神仙一般的手段！”那妇人笑道：“官人休笑话。”

西门庆问王婆道：“干娘，不敢问这位是谁家宅上娘子？”王婆道：“大官人，你猜。”西门庆道：“小人如何猜得着。”王婆吟吟的笑道：“便是间壁的武大郎的娘子。”西门庆道：“原来却是武大郎的娘子。小人只认的大郎是个养家经纪人，且是在街上做些买卖，大大小小不曾恶了一个人。又会赚钱，又且好性格，真个难得这等人。”王婆道：“可知哩。娘子自从嫁得这个大郎，但是有事，百依百随。”那妇人应道：“拙夫是无用之人，官人休要笑话。”西门庆道：“娘子差矣。古人道：柔软是立身之本，刚强是惹祸之胎。似娘子的大郎所为良善时，万丈水无涓滴漏。”王婆打着撺鼓儿[25]道：“说的是。”西门庆奖了一回，便坐在妇人对面。王婆又道：“娘子，你认的这个官人么？”那妇人道：“奴不认的。”婆子道：“这个大官人是这本县一个财主，知县相公也和他来往，叫做西门大官人。万万贯钱财，开着个生药铺在县前。家里钱过北斗，米烂陈仓，赤的是金，白的是银，圆的是珠，光的是宝，也有犀牛头上角，亦有大象口中牙。”那婆子只顾夸奖西门庆，口里假嘈。那妇人就低了头缝针线。有诗为证：

水性从来是女流，背夫常与外人偷。

金莲心爱西门庆，淫荡春心不自由。

西门庆得见潘金莲，十分情思，恨不就做一处。王婆便去点两盏茶来，递一盏与西门庆，一盏递与这妇人，说道：“娘子相待大官人则个。”吃罢茶，便觉有些眉目送情。王婆看着西门庆，把一只手在脸上摸。西门庆心里瞧科，已知有五分了。自古风流茶说合，酒是色媒人。王婆便道：“大官人不来时，老身也不敢来宅上相请。一者缘法，二乃来得恰好。常言道：一客不烦二主。大官人便是出钱的，这位娘子便是出力的，不是老身路岐相烦，难得这位娘子在这里，官人好做个主人，替老身与娘子浇手。”西门庆道：“小人也见不到这里。有银子在此。”便取出来，和帕子递与王婆，备办些酒食。那妇人便道：“不消生受得。”口里说，却不动身。王婆将了银子便去，那妇人又不起身。婆子便出门，又道：“有劳娘子相陪大官人坐一坐。”那妇人道：“干娘免了。”却亦是不动身。也是因缘，却都有意了。西门庆这厮一双眼只看着那妇人。这婆娘也把眼偷睃西门庆，见了这表人物，心中倒有五七分意了，又低着头自做生活。

不多时，王婆买了些见成的肥鹅熟肉，细巧果子归来，尽把盘子盛了果子，菜蔬尽都装了，搬来房里桌子上，看着那妇人道：“娘子且收拾过生活，吃一杯儿酒。”那妇人道：“干娘自便，相待大官人，奴却不当。”那婆子道：“正是专与娘子浇手，如何却说这话？”王婆将盘馔都摆在桌子上。三人坐定，把酒来斟。这西门庆拿起酒盏来说道：“娘子满饮此杯。”那妇人谢道：“多感官人厚意。”王婆道：“老身知得娘子洪饮，且请开怀吃两盏儿。”有诗为证：

从来男女不同筵，卖俏迎奸最可怜。

不独文君奔司马，西门庆亦偶金莲。

却说那妇人接酒在手，那西门庆拿起箸来道：“干娘替我劝娘子请些个。”那婆子拣好的递将过来与那妇人吃。一连斟了三巡酒，那婆子便去盪酒来。西门庆道：“不敢动问娘子青春多少？”那妇人应道：“奴家虚度二十三岁。”西门庆道：“小人痴长五岁。”那妇人道：“官人将天比地。”王婆便插口道：“好个精细的娘子，不惟做得好针线，诸子百家皆通。”西门庆道：“却是那里去讨！武大郎好生有福。”王婆便道：“不是老身说是非，大官人宅里枉有许多，那里讨一个赶得上这娘子的！”西门庆道：“便是这等，一言难尽。只是小人命薄，不曾招得一个好的。”王婆道：“大官人先头娘子须好。”西门庆道：“休说！若是我先妻在时，却不恁地家无主，屋倒竖。如今枉自有三五七口人吃饭，都不管事。”那妇人问道：“官人，恁地时，殁了大娘子得几年了？”西门庆道：“说不得！小人先妻是微末出身，却倒百伶百俐，是件都替的小人。如今不幸，他殁了已得三年，家里的事都七颠八倒。为何小人只是走了出来？在家里时便要呕气。”那婆子道：“大官人，休怪老身直言，你先头娘子也没有武大娘子这手针线。”西门庆道：“便是！小人先妻也没此娘子这表人物。”那婆子笑道：“官人，你养的外宅在东街上，如何不请老身去吃茶？”西门庆道：“便是唱慢曲儿的张惜惜。我见他是路岐人[26]，不喜欢。”婆子又道：“官人，你和李娇娇却长久。”西门庆道：“这个人见今取在家里。若得他会当家时，自册正[27]了他多时。”王婆道：“若有这般中的官人意的，来宅上说没妨事么？”西门庆道：“我的爹娘俱已没了，我自主张，谁敢道个不字。”王婆道：“我自说耍，急切那里有中得官人意的。”西门庆道：“做甚么了便没？只恨我夫妻缘分上薄，自不撞着。”

西门庆和这婆子一递一句，说了一回，王婆便道：“正好吃酒，却又没了。官人休怪老身差拨，再买一瓶儿酒来吃如何？”西门庆道：“我手帕里有五两来碎银子，一发撒在你处，要吃时只顾取来，多的干娘便就收了。”那婆子谢了官人，起身睃这粉头时，三锺酒落肚，哄动春心，又自两个言来语去，都有意了，只低了头，却不起身。那婆子满脸堆下笑来，说道：“老身去取瓶儿酒来，与娘子再吃一杯儿，有劳娘子相待大官人坐一坐。注子里有酒没？便再筛两盏儿和大官人吃。老身直去县前那家有好酒买一瓶来，有好歇儿担阁。”那妇人口里说道：“不用了。”坐着却不动身。婆子出到房门前，便把索儿缚了房门，却来当路坐了，手里一头绩着绪[28]。

且说西门庆自在房里，便斟酒来劝那妇人，却把袖子在桌上一拂，把那双箸拂落地下。也是缘法凑巧，那双箸正落在妇人脚边。西门庆连忙蹲身下去拾，只见那妇人尖尖的一双小脚儿，正跷在箸边。西门庆且不拾箸，便去那妇人绣花鞋儿上捏一把。那妇人便笑将起来，说道：“官人休要啰唣！你有心，奴亦有意。你真个要勾搭我？”西门庆便跪下道：“只是娘子作成小生！”那妇人便把西门庆搂将起来。当时两个就王婆房里，脱衣解带，共枕同欢。正似：

交颈鸳鸯戏水，并头鸾凤穿花。喜孜孜连理枝生，美甘甘同心带结。将朱唇紧贴，把粉面斜偎。罗袜高挑，肩膊上露一弯新月；金钗倒溜，枕头边堆一朵乌云。誓海盟山，搏弄得千般旖旎；羞云怯雨，揉搓的万种妖娆。恰恰莺声，不离耳畔；津津甜唾，笑吐舌尖。杨柳腰脉脉春浓，樱桃口呀呀气喘。星眼朦胧，细细汗流香玉颗；酥胸荡漾，涓涓露滴牡丹心。直饶匹配眷姻偕，真实偷期滋味美。

当下二人云雨才罢，正欲各整衣襟，只见王婆推开房门入来，说道：“你两个做得好事！”西门庆和那妇人都吃了一惊。那婆子便道：“好呀，好呀！我请你来做衣裳，不曾叫你来偷汉子。武大得知，须连累我，不若我先去出首。”回身便走。那妇人扯住裙儿道：“干娘饶恕则个。”西门庆道：“干娘低声。”王婆笑道：“若要我饶恕，你们都要依我一件事。”那妇人便道：“休说一件，便是十件，奴也依干娘。”王婆道：“你从今日为始，瞒着武大，每日不要失约负了大官人，我便罢休。若是一日不来，我便对你武大说。”那妇人道：“只依着干娘便了。”王婆又道：“西门大官人，你自不用老身说得，这十分好事已都完了，所许之物，不可失信。你若负心，我也要对武大说。”西门庆道：“干娘放心，并不失信。”三人又吃几杯酒，已是下午的时分。那妇人便起身道：“武大那厮将归来，奴自回去。”便踅过后门归家，先去下了帘子，武大恰好进门。

且说王婆看着西门庆道：“好手段么？”西门庆道：“端的亏了干娘。我到家里，便取一锭银送来与你。所许之物，岂可昧心。”王婆道：“眼望旌节至，专等好消息。不要叫老身棺材出了讨挽歌郎钱。”西门庆笑了去，不在话下。

那妇人自当日为始，每日踅过王婆家里来和西门庆做一处，恩情似漆，心意如胶。自古道：好事不出门，恶事传千里。不到半月之间，街坊邻舍都知得了，只瞒着武大一个不知。有诗为证：

好事从来不出门，恶言丑行便彰闻。

可怜武大亲妻子，暗与西门作细君。

断章句，话分两头。且说本县有个小的，年方十五六岁，本身姓乔，因为做军在郓州生养的，就取名叫做郓哥。家中止有一个老爹。那小厮生的乖觉，自来只靠县前这许多酒店里卖些时新果品，如常得西门庆赍发他些盘缠。其日正寻得一篮儿雪梨，提着来绕街寻问西门庆。又有一等的多口人说道：“郓哥，你若要寻他，我教你一处去寻。”郓哥道：“聒噪阿叔，叫我去寻得他见，赚得三五十钱养活老爹也好。”那多口道：“西门庆他如今刮[29]上了卖炊饼的武大老婆，每日只在紫石街上王婆茶坊里坐地，这早晚多定正在那里。你小孩儿家只顾撞入去不妨。”那郓哥得了这话，谢了阿叔指教。这小猴子提了篮儿，一直望紫石街走来，径奔入茶坊里去，却好正见王婆坐在小凳儿上绩绪。郓哥把篮儿放下，看着王婆道：“干娘拜揖。”那婆子问道：“郓哥，你来这里做甚么？”郓哥道：“要寻大官人赚三五十钱养活老爹。”婆子道：“甚么大官人？”郓哥道：“干娘情知是那个，便只是他那个。”婆子道：“便是大官人也有个姓名。”郓哥道：“便是两个字的。”婆子道：“甚么两个字的？”郓哥道：“干娘只是要作耍。我要和西门大官人说句话。”望里面便走。那婆子一把揪住道：“小猴子，那里去？人家屋里，各有内外。”郓哥道：“我去房里便寻出来。”王婆道：“含鸟猢狲！我屋里那得甚么西门大官人！”郓哥道：“干娘不要独吃自呵，也把些汁水与我呷一呷。我有甚么不理会得。”婆子便骂道：“你那小猢狲，理会得甚么？”郓哥道：“你正是马蹄刀木杓里切菜，水泄不漏，半点儿也没得落地。直要我说出来，只怕卖炊饼的哥哥发作。”那婆子吃了他这两句，道着他真病，心中大怒，喝道：“含鸟猢狲！也来老娘屋里放屁辣臊！”郓哥道：“我是小猢狲，你是马泊六！”那婆子揪住郓哥，凿上两个栗暴[30]。郓哥叫道：“做甚么便打我？”婆子骂道：“贼猢狲！高则声，大耳刮子打出你去！”郓哥道：“老咬虫！没事得便打我！”这婆子一头叉，一头大栗暴凿，直打出街上去，雪梨篮儿也丢出去。那篮雪梨四分五落，滚了开去。这小猴子打那虔婆不过，一头骂，一头哭，一头走，一头街上拾梨儿，指着那王婆茶坊里骂道：“老咬虫！我教你不要慌，我不去说与他，不做出来不信！”提了篮儿，径奔去寻这个人。

不是郓哥来寻这个人，却正是：从前作过事，没兴一齐来。直教险道神脱了衣冠，小郓哥寻出患害。毕竟这郓哥寻甚么人，且听下回分解。

[1] 净办——清静。

[2] 斗——这里是拼、凑的意思。

[3] 撩斗——这里的“斗”同“逗”。是诱惑、挑动、勾惹的意思。

[4] 軃（duǒ）——下垂的样子。

[5] 装你的幌子——幌子，商铺设置的标识物，使人一望而知是在卖什么。装幌子，就是把这种标识物摆出去。装你的幌子，意思说，把外人不知道的东西标出来；犹如说出丑、出相。后文第四十五回又写作“装你的望子”。

[6] 张致——装模做样。

[7] 爪洼国——古人认为爪洼国是很远很远的外洋地方，好像是一个“无何有之乡”，因此，常用爪洼国作为渺茫、空洞、遥远等意义的形容词。

[8] 盖老——对具有夫妻关系者的一种轻薄称呼：男的叫做盖老，女的叫做底老。

[9] 月下老——迷信的传说：男女婚姻，命中注定；有一个专管配偶名册的神，名叫月下老人，省称月下老或月老。

[10] 身边人——宋时贵族、官吏和有钱的人，大多都买许多妇女，供给自己玩弄、服役，并且给这种妇女分做若干等级和一些轻蔑的称呼，其中有身边人、本事人、供过人、针线人、堂前人、剧杂人等等。身边人地位最高，仅次于姬妾。

[11] 刷子——傻瓜，浪子。

[12] 败缺——犹如说破绽。这里含有把柄的意思。

[13] 影射——这里指姘识的男女。

[14] 智赛隋何，机强陆贾——隋何和陆贾，是汉初两个有智谋而又善词令的人。两人连称，叫做“隋陆”。

[15] 牙婆——买卖的居间人、经纪人：男的叫做牙子，女的叫做牙婆。

[16] 抱腰——指接生。

[17] 马泊六——不正当男女关系中的说合人。

[18] 捱光——光，色情的意思。捱光，指调情时所下的功夫。后文第四十八回“要做光起来”的做光，就是调情。

[19] 贯伯——贯是千钱，伯是百钱；贯伯，就是千百文的意思，犹如说串把。不说自己很有钱，只说串把，客气话。

[20] 札地不得——解决不了的意思。

[21] 武成王——姜尚（后名吕尚），就是历史传说中的姜子牙。周时人，有智谋，帮助姬发（周武王）战胜殷纣，建立了周朝。后来唐宋的皇帝都对他追加封赠，爵号称做武成王。

[22] 孙武子——就是孙武。春秋时人。中国历史上著名的军事学家。在吴国，他曾在吴王宫中以宫女一百八十人演练兵法。

[23] 浇手——对手艺人在工资之外的酬劳。

[24] 凌烟阁——唐时，李世民（唐太宗）盖一座房子，把开国功臣的画像挂在里面。这座房子题名凌烟阁。

[25] 打着撺鼓儿——帮忙。犹如说敲边鼓。

[26] 路岐人——宋元时对卖艺人的称呼。

[27] 册正——封建社会里虽是一夫多妻，但在名位上，正妻只有一个；正妻死了，从姬妾中挑一个出来做正妻，叫做册正。后来叫做扶正。

[28] 绩绪——搓麻线。现在有些地方叫做绩麻，有些地方叫做绪麻。

[29] 刮——这里作勾搭解释。

[30] 栗暴——弯曲手指敲击人的头顶。

CHAPTER 23. Grandma Wang Being Covetous Spoke Seductively; Yun Ge Makes a Row in a Tea Shop

WU SONG turned round, and when he saw that the man who was speaking to him, was his elder brother Wu the Elder, he knelt down and kowtowed. He said, “I have not seen you for more than a year. But why have you come here?”

“You have been away for a long time,” replied Wu the Elder, “but why have you not written to me? Although I did not like you yet I never forgot you.”

“Why were you annoyed, and why did you think of me so often?” asked Wu Song. “When you were in Qinghe County you often got drunk and fought with other men,” said Wu the Elder. “You were often brought before the magistrate. And when at last you ran away, I had to go to the court repeatedly about your affairs. That was what made me annoyed. And what made me to think of you was that I recently married a Qinghe County woman, and many men came to insult me about that matter, and there was no one like you to assist me. When you were at home who would have dared to come and so much as fart? I could not live in peace there so I removed here, and found a house where I now live. That trouble made me to think of you.”

Now dear reader, please note: Wu Song and Wu the Elder were brothers to the same mother. Wu Song was over six feet in height, and he could lift about three hundredweights. If he had not been so strong how could he have killed the tiger?

Wu the Elder was nearly four and half feet in height, and his countenance was ugly. The shape of his head was conical. The people of Qinghe County looked upon him as a dwarf, and had therefore given him the nickname “Three Inches of Mulberry Bark.”

Now in Qinghe County there was a big family which had a maidservant named Pan Jinlian who was about twenty years of age, and was quite good-looking. Her master made base suggestions but she told her mistress about it and said that she was not willing to agree to his advances. Because of this the master disliked the maidservant, but offered her in marriage to Wu the Elder, and also gave her some presents, but he declined to receive any money from Wu the Elder.

Shortly after the marriage there were quite a number of loose profligates who came to Wu the Elder’s house to visit his wife. In fact as Wu the Elder was only a small, ugly man his wife looked upon him as being of useless nature, and quite unsuitable as a lover. She did not hesitate to consort with other men.

Wu the Elder was rather a quiet fellow and would not dispute with what these loose fellows did; they shouted out at his street door, “What a nice piece of meat has fallen in a dog’s mouth!” As a result of this Wu the Elder did not care to stay in Qinghe County, and removed to a house in Zishi Street, Yanggu County town. Every day he acted as hawker selling cakes on the street. On this day he had been selling cakes when he happened to see his brother Wu Song.

“The day before yesterday,” said Wu the Elder, “I heard a great many people talking about a man named Wu who had killed a tiger on Jingyang Ridge, and who had been given a commission as Inspector by the county magistrate. I guessed that it was you, but how could I expect to meet you today? I will not sell any more cakes just now, and will go with you to my home.” “Elder brother, where is your home?” asked Wu Song.

“It is near the Zishi Street,” replied Wu the Elder pointing with his finger.

Wu Song carried the load of cakes, and Wu the Elder led him round many corners to his home. He stopped at a house near a tea shop, and called out, “Wife, open the door.”

The screen at the door was lifted and a woman appeared who asked, “Husband, why have you returned so soon?”

“Your brother-in-law has arrived,” replied Wu the Elder, “please come out to meet him.”

Wu the Elder now took the load from Wu Song, and entering the house said, “Brother, come inside and let me introduce you to my wife.”

Wu Song lifted up the screen and entered, and was duly introduced.

Wu the Elder said, “Wife, the man, who killed the tiger on Jingyang Ridge, and was given a commission as Inspector in the police, is none other than my younger brother.”

She at once saluted by folding her arms and said, “Much prosperity, uncle,” addressing Wu Song with the level of reverence that her son would have done.

Wu Song asked her to be seated. He kowtowed, and it was as magnanimous as the fall of a golden mountain and a jade pillar.

The woman raised up Wu Song and said, “Uncle, by doing this you lessen the prospects of my life.”

“I only ask you to receive my respects,” replied Wu Song.

“My adopted mother, Grandma Wang, told me that a big man had killed a tiger and that I must go and see him,” replied the woman. “And you are that man. I request you to come upstairs and sit down.”

They all three sat down upstairs, and when the woman had had a look at Wu Song, she said to her husband, “I will keep company with your brother, while you go and prepare some food and wine in order to entertain our uncle.”

Wu the Elder agreed to this and promised to return soon.

When he had gone, his wife looked more closely at Wu Song, and was pleased with his appearance. She thought that if she had married a man like him, all her life would not have been wasted. Her husband was only three parts a man, and seven parts an imp. What bad luck she had had. As Wu Song had killed a tiger he must be enormously strong. “I think he has no wife, so why should I not ask him to stay here? I think that I shall now find my marriage affinity here after all.”

With her smiling face she asked Wu Song how long he had been in that district, to which Wu Song replied that he had been there about ten days.

“Where do you stay then?” asked the woman.

“I am staying temporarily at the yamen,” replied Wu Song.

“That cannot be very comfortable and convenient,” remarked the woman.

“As I am by myself that does not matter,” replied Wu Song. “Besides I have soldiers to wait upon me.”

“But how can those men look after you properly,” said the woman. “Why not come and live here? When you want hot water or food, whether early or late, I can always get the same ready for you, and that would be much better than depending on those dirty men. When you want clear soup you need have no worry about it.”

Wu Song thanked her very much for her suggestion.

“But have you an aunt (a wife) living in some other place?” asked the woman. “If so then ask her to come here to live with us.”

“I have not married yet,” replied Wu Song.

“How old are you?”

“I am twenty-five years of age,” replied Wu Song.

“So you are three years older than I. Where have you come from this time?”

“I lived at Cangzhou for more than a year,” replied Wu Song, “and then decided to come to visit my elder brother at Qinghe County. I did not know that he had removed here.”

“To explain that removal it would take a long time. Since I married your elder brother so many men have insulted him owing to good nature that we could not live any longer at Qinghe County, and therefore we removed to this place. If such a brave man as you had been there who would have dared to say a word against us.”

“My brother was always law-abiding and good-natured, and was quite different, from me as I always make disturbances,” said Wu Song.

“Why do you make such a false accusation againt yourself?” asked Pan Jinlian. “There is a common saying, ‘Men of yielding nature cannot have a stable foothold in society.’ I am of a precipitous nature, and cannot bear to see a man who does not even turn his head after being abused three times, and who runs away at the fourth attack.”

“My brother does not like to provoke unpleasantness so that there is no need for you to be distressed,” said Wu Song.

While they were still talking about him, Wu the Elder returned with the meat, wine, and fruit, and placed them in the kitchen below. He then came upstairs and said, “Wife, you go downstairs and get things ready.”

“You see that fellow does not understand things. Here is my uncle and I am told to leave him alone and go to the kitchen,” said Pan Jinlian.

“Please suit your own convenience, my sister-in-law,” said Wu Song.

“But why not ask my adopted mother Grandma Wang, who lives next door, to do this?” asked Pan Jinlian. “If I have to do the work that will not be very nice.”

So Wu the Elder went to the next door, and requested Grandma Wang to come and prepare the food for them—fish, meat, fruit, and vegetables. He also warmed some wine, and put it on the table. All three sat down—Pan Jinlian sat opposite to Wu Song, in a hostess position, and Wu the Elder, at the side. Wu the Elder poured out the wine for all the party.

“Uncle,” said Pan Jinlian, picking up a cup of wine, “I hope you won’t mind our rough ways. Please drink a cup of wine.”

“I am deeply grateful,” replied Wu Song, “you need not talk in that manner.”

Wu the Elder did not appear to take notice of anything except serving the wine.

“Uncle, why don’t you eat a little fish or meat?” asked Jinlian with a smiling face. So saying she selected some of the best bits and placed them in his bowl.

Wu Song was a very straightforward man, and looked upon this great compliment as merely the expression of a real sister-in-law’s desire to please. But he did not know previously that Pan Jinlian had been a maidservant, and had acquired the habit of coquetry. As Wu the Elder was an honest and weak-natured man how could he know to entertain a guest?

Jinlian drank several cups of wine, and gazed steadily at Wu Song, but he appeared to take no notice of this and simply bowed his head. After he had drunk about ten cups of wine he rose from the table.

“Brother, please drink another cup of wine before you go,” said Wu the Elder.

“Not this time,” said Wu Song. “I will come to visit you again.”

When they were all down below seeing Wu Song off Jinlian spoke to him, “Uncle, I hope that you will not forget to come and live with us here, or else the people will laugh at us. We are relatives, and not strangers.” She then addressed her husband, “You had better prepare a room, and ask your brother to come to live here. Do not give our neighbors the opportunity of saying that we do not know how to do things properly.”

“What you say is quite right,” said Wu the Elder. Turning to his brother he said, “Brother, you must come and live here, and let me be proud of it.”

“As you both press me,” said Wu Song, “I will get my baggage and come over here this evening.”

“Then don’t forget to do so,” said Jinlian, “because I shall look forward upon you.”

Wu Song left them, went down the Zishi Street, and was soon at his quarters. The county magistrate was sitting on the bench, so Wu Song went to him and said, “I have a brother here who lives on Zishi Street, and I should like to go and live with him. I assure you that this would not interfere with my duties here. I would not dare to do it without your authority so I now ask for your esteemed permission.”

“That is a matter of brotherly duty,” said the county magistrate, “and I cannot place any obstacle in your way. You will of course attend to your duties in the yamen as before.”

Wu Song expressed his thanks, and then going to his room packed up his things, including the new clothes and other things which had been presented to him. He then summoned a soldier to carry his baggage to his elder brother’s home.

Upon seeing him arrive Pan Jinlian laughed and was as delighted as though she had received a great deal of gold at midnight.

Wu the Elder got a carpenter to fix up a room for his brother, and furnished it with a bed, a table, two chairs, and a stove.

When every thing was ready Wu Song brought his baggage upstairs, and then dismissed the soldier.

Early the next morning Jinlian quickly arose, and got ready the hot water for washing the face and cleaning the teeth; she gave it to Wu Song and called him. He dressed and tied his turban to his head. As he was leaving Jinlian spoke to him, “Uncle, I hope you will come back early for your meal, and not go anywhere else.”

He promised to do this, and then went to the yamen to register his attendance there before 7 A.M. He attended to his duties at the yamen, and then left about noon to return home.

Pan Jinlian had had a wash, and manicured her nails. She was very spick-and-span. She had prepared the food, and arranged the table for three persons. They all sat down, and she presented Wu Song with a cup of tea.

Wu Song said, “Please do not be so courteous to me or I am afraid that it will only upset me. I shall then have to send a soldier here to look after me.”

Jinlian called out several times, “Uncle, you must make yourself at home. We are brothers of the same parents and I am not treating other people in this way. If you brought a soldier here to cook your food it would not be clean, and that would not suit me.”

“In that case I must submit to your kind attentions,” replied Wu Song.

Shortly after coming to the house Wu Song gave Wu the Elder some money to purchase cakes, fried crisp, tea, and fruit, and asked him to invite the neighbors to attend an entertainment. They all came with gifts for Wu Song, and Wu the Elder afterwards gave another dinner.

After a few days Wu Song bought a roll of silk, and asked Jinlian to make herself a suit of clothes. Jinlian laughed and said, “Uncle, as you present me with this silk I dare not refuse it.”

Thenceforth Wu Song stayed at the house of his brother, and Wu the Elder continued selling cakes on the street while Wu Song attended to his duty at the yamen and as usual Jinlian prepared the food, and was evidently much pleased to wait upon Wu Song, who could not help being very grateful. The woman in everything she said never failed to try to stir up Wu Song’s feelings towards herself. Being a very virtuous man he did not pay much attention to that.

After staying about a month with Wu the Elder he noticed that it was winter-time. Every day there was a bitter cold wind, and the sky was covered with clouds. One day there was a heavy downfall of snow, and it continued to fall all the day without stopping.

The following day Wu Song got up early, and went to the yamen to register his attendance, and he did not return from his duties about noon. Meanwhile Wu the Elder had been sent off by his wife to hawk the cakes on streets.

Pan Jinlian went to her neighbor Grandma Wang, and asked her to go and buy some wine and meat for her. She then went into Wu Song’s room, and lit a charcoal fire. She thought that this was a fine opportunity to make Wu Song conforming to her desires. She was absolutely alone by herself, and stood behind the screen near the front door. She soon saw Wu Song treading his way through the snow as though he were walking through fragments of white jade. She raised the screen, and greeted him with a smile, asking whether he was cold.

Wu Song thanked her for thinking so much about his welfare. He entered, and took off his felt cap. Jinlian held out both hands to receive it from him. But Wu Song said, “I cannot trouble you to wait upon me in this way.” He shook the snow off the cap, and hung it on the wall. He then unloosened his cummerbund, and took off his parrot-green silk clothing. He went into his room, and hung up his clothing there to dry.

Jinlian asked him why he had not returned for his dinner at an earlier time as usual, and Wu Song explained that he had met a friend in town who had invited him to dinner. There was another friend who also asked him to dine, but he had declined his invitation and came straight home.

“So that was it,” she said. “Well, come close to the fire.”

“All right,” replied Wu Song. He then took off his boots, changed his socks, and put on a pair of warm slippers. He then drew a chair to the fire and sat down. Pan Jinlian went downstairs, and barred the front door, and locked the back door. She then got the wine, fruit, and vegetables and carrying them upstairs, placed them on the table.

“Where has my brother gone that he has not returned yet?” asked Wu Song.

“Your brother has gone selling cakes as usual,” replied Jinlian. “We two can drink our wine together.”

“We had better wait until he comes when we can dine together,” said Wu Song.

“But why wait until he arrives?” said Jinlian. “We need not wait for him.” While saying this, she took a jug of warmed wine from the fire.

“Please sit down,” said Wu Song. “I will attend to warm the wine.”

“Uncle,” replied Jinlian, “be at ease.” She drew a chair close to the fire and sat down there. Close by her side there was a table, and on it she put some wine and food. Pouring out a small cup of wine she held it in both hands, and looking at Wu Song she said, “Uncle, please drink this full cup of wine.”

Wu Song took the cup, and drank the wine at a gulp.

The woman refilled the cup and said, “The weather is very cold so please drink a cup with me.”

“Just as you like,” replied Wu Song, and drank off the second cup. He then filled a cup, and handed it to the woman who drank the wine. She in turn filled another cup, and placed it in front of Wu Song. She then unloosened her upper dress, and displayed a little of her breasts. A little of her hair was also hanging loosely. With smiling face she spoke to Wu Song, “A certain man has told me that you are keeping a girl in the east side before the yamen. Is that true or not?”

“You should not listen to such nonsense,” said Wu Song, “I am not that kind of man.”

“I do not believe you, I am afraid that your deeds might differ from your words.”

“If you do not really believe me, then ask my brother,” replied Wu Song.

“But what does he know,” said Jinlian. “If he knew such matters he would not sell cakes on the streets now. Please drink another cup of wine, uncle.”

As Wu Song drank the wine she kept filling his cup, so that he had soon drunk about four cups. She also drank the same quantity so that very soon she was unable to restrain her passions, and began to talk unguardedly.

Through her words Wu Song now understood a little, but he declined to take any notice of her, and hung down his head. She went downstairs, to put some more wine on the fire and Wu Song stirred up the fire in his room with a poker. She came upstairs again with a fresh jug of wine in one hand and squeezing Wu Song’s shoulder with the other she said, “Uncle, are you not afraid of the cold as you wear so little?”

Wu Song now understood more of her ways. He was not pleased but did not reply to her. Seeing his silent attitude, she took the poker out of his hand and said, “Uncle, you need not trouble about the fire. I will poke the fire for you. I wish that your heart could be always as hot as the fire.” Now Wu Song understood her almost completely, and was highly upset, but he did not say a word. Jinlian was now very lustful so throwing the poker down she filled another cup, drank half of it, and looking at Wu Song said, “If you love me, drink the remainder of this wine.” Wu Song seized the cup, and threw it on the floor saying, “Sister-in-law, you evidently have no shame!” and at the same time he pushed her away from him. Glaring at her he said, “I am a decent man, and am not of immoral character. I am not like a pig or dog without morals. You must not be shameless like this. If your lustful words came to my ears, my eyes might recognize you as my sister-in-law, but my fist would not take any notice of such relationship. So let us have no more of this.”

Jinlian was now blushing all over her face and removing a stool she said, “I was only playful. I did not expect that you would take it serious; you are indeed strange to compliment.” She then removed all the dishes and took them down below, while Wu Song remained in his room fuming with rage.

About two o’clock Wu the Elder returned carrying his load of cakes, and knocking at the door he was immediately admitted by his wife. He put his things down in the kitchen, and then noticed that both his wife’s eyes were red with crying. He asked whom she had been quarreling with.

She replied, “It is all due to your lack of energy, and your allowing an outsider to insult me.”

“Who has insulted you?” asked Wu the Elder.

“Whom do you think?” asked his wife. “It was none other than that fellow Wu Song. I saw him return when it was snowing, and I quickly prepared some mulled wine for him. When he saw me alone he began to flirt with me.”

“My brother is not that kind of man,” replied Wu the Elder. “He is always honest. Do not speak in such a loud tone or else our neighbors may hear what you say, and they will laugh at us.” He pushed her to one side, and went upstairs to see Wu Song. “I see, brother,” he said, “you have not eaten your repast; let us have some together.”

Wu Song did not speak. He thought just a moment, then took off his slippers, put on his leather boots, and fastened them. He put on his felt cap, buckled his belt, and then walked towards the door.

“Where are you going?” asked Wu the Elder in a loud voice. But he got no reply, and Wu Song left the house without saying a word. Wu the Elder went to the kitchen and asked his wife, “Do you know where he has gone? He did not reply to me, and went in the direction of the yamen.”

“You stupid ass!” replied his wife. “Isn’t it very obvious! He is ashamed of himself, and does not care to face you. I will not approve of your allowing that man to stay here.”

“Since he has gone we shall be the laughingstock of our neighbors,” said Wu the Elder.

“You idiotic imp!” replied his wife. “His flirting with me would of course make our neighbors laugh! You may live with him if you want. But I cannot tolerate that kind of man to come and live here again. You write out a document divorcing me, and then you can go and join him.”

What could Wu the Elder say to this? But while these two were talking they saw Wu Song arrive with a soldier who took away Wu Song’s baggage, and they both left the house without saying a word.

Wu the Elder ran after him and asked, “Brother, why are you removing your baggage?”

“Brother, you must not ask, because if I told you you would have to wear a mask. Just let me go,” replied Wu Song.

What could Wu the Elder say? So he let Wu Song go.

Pan Jinlian was still muttering to herself in the house. “Well!” she said, “people know that Wu Song is a relative of ours, and also an Inspector, and they will assume that he helped us, but they will not understand why he has now turned against us. Truly it is, ‘A flower and a cydonia are only nice to look at.’ You can go, and I will give thanks to Heaven for your departure, you, an ungrateful cur.”

Wu the Elder could not understand his wife being so abusive, and he was very much upset. After Wu Song’a departure Wu the Elder resumed his job of hawking cakes on the street. At first he had thought of going to the yamen and talking the matter over with his brother, but his wife was emphatically opposed to that idea, therefore he did not go.

About ten days afterwards, the county magistrate, who had been at that place for more than two years, and had amassed a great deal of money, decided to send it to a relative at Eastern Capital for safe-keeping until he could use it to insure promotion. But he was afraid of the dangers of sending it by road, and was on the lookout for a reliable man to convey it. Suddenly he thought of Wu Song who was just the man he wanted. So he sent for Wu Song to talk the matter over, and upon the latter’s arrival he said, “In the Eastern Capital I have a relative to whom I want to send some presents, and also a letter inquiring about his health. But I am afraid that on the journey it would not be safe and that a brave man here like you must undertake the task. You would not decline this toilsome task, and if you do this for me I will greatly promote you when you return.”

As I am indebted to you for my present position,” said Wu Song “how dare I offer excuses? Since you commission me to undertake this work I will go. I have never been to the Eastern Capital, and when I get there I can have a good look around the town. If you, sir, would have the present ready by tomorrow I could leave then.”

The magistrate was much pleased at this, and offered him three cups of wine.

Having received the orders of the county magistrate, Wu Song left the yamen, and returned to his quarters. Then, he gave a few taels of silver to a soldier and ordered him to buy a bottle of wine, and some dried fish, meat, and fruit and took them to Wu the Elder’s house on the Zishi Street. By a lucky concurrence Wu the Elder who had just returned from his cakes selling, happened to see Wu Song at his house door giving orders to the soldier for cooking the food.

When Pan Jinlian saw the wine and food arriving she thought that Wu Song had been thinking of her, and was coming back to her. She would not show that he had aroused her feelings, but would quietly ask him a few questions. She went upstairs; powdered her face; dressed her hair; put on some pretty colored clothes, and then went downstairs to receive Wu Song. She greeted him, “Uncle, I was not aware that I had treated you badly. You have not been here for several days but I wonder what made you to do so. Every day I told my husband to go to the yamen, and talk matters over with you. When he returned he said that he could not find you. I am much pleased to see you here today. But why have you bought so many things?”

“I specially came here today to talk about a matter with you and my brother,” replied Wu Song.

“Then let us go upstairs,” said Jinlian.

So all three went upstairs. Wu Song conducted Wu the Elder and Jinlian to the seats of honor, and then taking a stool sat down in the inferior position. The soldier brought the wine and food and placed them on the table. Wu Song invited his brother and the latter’s wife to partake the wine. Jinlian would not take her eyes away from Wu Song, but the latter gave all his attention to the wine. After they had drunk about five cups of wine Wu Song ordered the soldier to fill up the cups again, and then taking his own cup in his hand he addressed Wu the Elder, “Elder brother, today I have been ordered to go to the Eastern Capital, and I have to start on my journey tomorrow. I expect to be gone not less than forty days, or at most two months. Now you have ever been rather weak, and when I am abroad I am afraid that you may be insulted. If you have been selling, say ten lots of cakes each day, then beginning from tomorrow I want you to sell only five lots. Every day go out late and come back early. Do not drink wine with men. When you return home lower the screen, and lock the door. Avoid scandal at all. If anybody insults you do not have a row with him, but wait until I return when I will discuss matters with him. If you will listen to my advice, then drink this wine.”

Wu the Elder took the cup of wine from Wu Song, and replied, “Younger brother, what you say is right, and I will follow your advice.”

When Wu the Elder had drunk the wine Wu Song refilled the cup, and turning to Jinlian he said, “Madame, you are so clever that I need not say much to you. My brother is sincere, and he has entrusted his affairs to you. People have a saying, ‘Outer strength is not so much as a inner strength.’ Now sister-in-law, if you look after the household affairs well my brother will not be annoyed. Have you heard of the ancient saying, ‘If the fence is not broken the dogs cannot enter.’”

While listening to this, Jinlian was blushed, and her face then turned to brown. When he had finished his speaking she pointed at her husband with her finger and abused him saying, “You stupid ass! What language an outsider is now insulting me with! I do not wear a man’s cap, but I am quite a termagant. I could hold a man in my fist; I could support a horse on my shoulders; and I could allow men to walk over my face without flinching. I am not like the turtle women who rouge their faces, and then draw their heads in when anybody approaches. Since I married Wu the Elder not even an ant have dared to come in my room, so how could a dog enter even if my fence was broken. You only speak confusedly. If you have anything to say say clearly. If you throw a brick or a tile it will of course strike the ground somewhere.”

Wu Song laughed and said, “If you can do things in this way that will be all right. But your words should correspond with your heart. As matters are as you say, I will not forget your words, and must ask you to pledge me with this wine.”

But Jinlian pushed off the cup, and ran downstairs. When halfway down the ladder she stopped and shouted, “You may be very clever, but do you understand the saying, ‘The wife of the eldest brother should be treated like your mother.’ Before I married Wu the Elder I never heard of him having a younger brother, but now you have turned up. I do not know whether you are a relative or not, but you evidently just want to be the boss of this house. My own fate has now many things to face.” Having said this she burst out crying and went downstairs. All this was not genuine, but full of deceit.

The two brothers drank a few cups of wine more, and then Wu Song got up to take his leave.

“Are you going?” asked Wu the Elder, “I hope that you will soon return, and that we shall meet again.” As he said this he could not avoid crying.

Wu Song seeing him in tears said, “Elder brother, you must not do so much peddling, but stay at home more. I will repay you for the loss of that.”

They then went down, and as they were at the street door Wu Song said, “Brother, do not forget what I have said.” He then departed with the soldier.

Early the next day Wu Song packed his things, and then went to the yamen. The magistrate had already ordered a cart, and the boxes and baskets had been loaded on it. Two reliable soldiers, and also two confidential servants, had already been instructed. He saluted the county magistrate who was standing in front of the hall. He put his own baggage in the cart, and took his halberd in his hand; seeing everything in order he and all four men soon left Yanggu County on the road for Eastern Capital.

When his brother had gone, Wu the Elder was abused and cursed by his wife for several days. But Wu the Elder smothered his anger, and took care not to forget his brother’s words. Each day he only sold about half as many cakes as he had sold before, and it was never late when he returned home. As soon as he had put down his load he always rolled up the screen, and shut the door, and then went inside to sit down.

This vexed his wife, and pointing at him she said, “You stupid ass. I have never seen anyone close the door while the sun is still at its zenith. People will think we have a demon in the house. You listened to what your brother had said, but you are not afraid of people laughing at us.”

“You may let them laugh. What my brother said is quite right, and it will save us from a lot of trouble if we follow his advice.”

“Rubbish! Stupid ass! You are a man! Yet you are not master of your own affairs, but listen to other people’s orders.”

Wu the Elder waved his hand and said, “Take no notice of them. What my younger brother has said are words of gold.”

When Wu Song had gone about ten days Wu the Elder continued to go out late every day, and return early, and when he returned he always closed the door. His wife was always abusing him, so that they both got quite accustomed to it. In fact she often rolled up the screen and closed the door herself when he returned. Wu the Elder was much pleased to see her doing this.

About three days later the winter was nearly over, and the weather was gradually getting a little warmer. On one day when Wu the Elder would be expected to return his wife as usual went outside the door to roll up the screen. As she did this a man happened to pass. The ancients had a saying, “Without luck nothing can be completed.” As she took the forked stick in her hand to let down the curtain, she held it so loosely that it fell down, and hit the man on the head. He stopped, in his excitement, but turning round he saw a very pretty woman and was rendered helpless. Immediately his anger vanished to Java, and he smiled. She saw that his annoyance had gone so she saluted him with folded arms and said, “My hand slipped; I hope that you are not hurt.”

He adjusted his turban with his hand, and bowed to her. He said, “Never mind! I hope that you did not sprain your wrist.”

Standing under a curtain at a tea-house which was close by, there was a woman, Grandma Wang, who had noticed all this. She laughed and called out, “Who told you, sir, to pass under the eaves of this house? You deserve what you got.”

He laughed and said, “That was my fault. To intrude on women is unusual.”

Pan Jinlian laughingly replied, “I hope that you will forgive me.”

The man also laughed, and gave her a big slow salute; he then said that he dared not intrude further. At that time he was examining her closely with both his eyes. He then swaggered off, and at each step he turned his head to look at her.

Jinlian then picked up the forked stick, rolled up the curtain, closed the door, and went inside to wait for her husband.

You know what’s the name of that man, and where did he live? He was a once wealthy man of Yanggu County, but now his property had been ruined. At present he owned a small drug-store opposite the front gate of the yamen. In his youth he had been a rascal, and was skillful with the cudgel and hand combat. Now he had gathered some influence and presumed to be an umpire of disputes that came to the yamen. He was always making further trouble in petty quarrels; the more he spoke the more money he got, from passing money and bribing officials, so that everybody in the town tried to avoid him. His family name was Ximen and his personal name was Qing. He was the eldest son of his family so that he was often called Ximen the Elder. But now he became a wealthy man, and was called the Honorable Ximen Qing.

Now after that incident with Jinlian he had not gone far before he turned into Grandma Wang’s tea-house where he sat down near the door curtain.

Grandma Wang laughed and spoke to him, “What a big slow salute you gave, sir!”

Ximen Qing laughed and replied, “Granny, come here! I have something to ask you. Who is that woman next door?”

“She is the younger sister of ‘King Yama,’” replied Grandma Wang, “and the child of a demon. What do you mean by asking her name?”

“I will be straight with you but you must not jest at me,” said Ximen Qing.

“How is it that you do not recognize her?” asked Grandma Wang. “Her husband sells warm food daily before the yamen.”

“Is not that man, Xu San, who sells date cakes?” asked Ximen Qing.

“No, not that man,” said Grandma Wang. “If she were his wife they would be a nice couple. Guess again!”

“Oh, perhaps she is the wife of that silverware huckster, Li Er,” said Ximen Qing. “Wrong again,” replied Grandma Wang. “It would be a good match if she were his wife.”

“Oh, then perhaps she is the wife of that tattooed fellow, Liu Xiaoyi,” said Ximen Qing.

“No,” replied Grandma Wang laughingly. “They would be a suitable pair if it be the case for her. Guess it again.”

“I cannot think of anybody else,” said Ximen Qing.

Grandma Wang laughed and replied, “If I tell you her husband’s name you would be amused very much. He is that seller of cakes named Wu the Elder.”

Ximen Qing burst into laughing, and stamped on the ground, and said, “Is not that Wu the Elder who is nicknamed Three Inches of Mulberry Bark?”

“That is the man,” said Grandma Wang.

But Ximen Qing had pity for her hard lot. “It is a nice piece of meat in a dog’s mouth,” he said.

“That is the trouble,” replied Grandma Wang. “It reminds me of the ancient saying, ‘A fine steed ridden by a silly fellow is like a clever wife always sleeping with a stupid husband.’— But what is the old matchmaker in the moon thinking of such unequal alliances?”

“How much do I owe for the tea, Grandma Wang?” asked Ximen Qing.

“Not much. But rest a little while and I will reckon it up,” replied Grandma Wang.

“With whom has your son gone away?” asked Ximen Qing.

“That is a thing I do not care to talk about,” replied Grandma Wang. “He went to Huaian Prefecture with a guest, and as he has not returned so far we do not know whether he is living or not.”

“Why did you not send him to me to do some business?” asked Ximen Qing.

“If you would take him, and recommend him for promotion that would be very good,” replied Grandma Wang.

“When he returns we will discuss the matter in detail,” said Ximen Qing. After some further talk he left.

In about an hour’s time he returned, and sat down near the curtain at the door of the tea-house looking at the door of Wu the Elder’s house which was nearly opposite.

Grandma Wang came and asked whether he would like some brewed plum juice.

“That is a good idea,” he replied. “I like it a little tart.”

She soon made the plum juice, and handed the bowl to him. He drank it slowly, and when finished placed the bowl on the table and said punningly, “Grandma Wang, this plum juice is very nice. Have you any more in your establishment?’

Grandma Wang laughed and said, “I have acted as a marriage matchmaker for a long time, but just at present I have no woman on hand in my house.”

“I asked you about ‘mei’ (plums), and you replied about ‘mei’ (marriages)—there is a wide difference.”

“I thought you said that I arranged marriages very well,” said Grandma Wang.

“As you are so expert in uniting people in matrimony it would be an extremely fine thing if you would find me a woman. I would reward you abundantly.”

“If I introduce you to a woman your wife would be angry and slap my face,” she replied.

“My wife is extremely docile and would not mind. I already have several concubines at home, but there is not one of them that quite suits me. So if you find me an extremely good one you need not worry about my people raising an objection. Even if she is a widow it does not matter so long as she suits me.”

“The day before yesterday there was a nice woman, but I am afraid she would not suit you,” said Grandma Wang.

“If she is nice, please arrange the marriage for me and I will thank you,” said Ximen Qing.

“She is a paragon, but unfortunately she is not young,” she said.

“If there is only a difference of a few years between us that won’t matter. How old is she?” he asked.

“She is of the Year of the Tiger, and is now just eighty-three years of age,” said Grandma Wang.

“You crazy woman, making such funny jokes!” so saying he got up and went out with a laughing face.

In the evening when it was getting dark Grandma Wang lit the lamp, and upon going out to close the door she saw that Ximen Qing had come back, and was sitting under the door curtain gazing at the door of Wu the Elder’s house as before.

“Honorable Sir, would you like some more plum juice?” asked Grandma Wang.

“Splendid idea,” replied Ximen Qing. “But please make them a little sweet this time.”

Grandma Wang soon prepared, and brought it to him. She took a seat near him. He asked her to keep an account of what he owed, and that he would pay her the following day.

Grandma Wang said that did not matter. “You need not worry about payment, but come here at any time.” He then departed and laughed as he went.

Very early the next morning when Grandma Wang went to open the door she saw Ximen Qing pacing backwards and forwards before the door. She soliloquized, “This fellow is getting very keen and comes here so often. I will flick some soft sugar on his nose, and see whether he can lick it off. He is always taking advantage of the people of this town, but as he is now in my hands I will see that this time he is defeated.” She then opened the door, and came back to kindle the charcoal fire, and boiled some tea. Immediately Ximen Qing entered, sat down near the screen, watching the door of Wu the Elder’s house. Grandma Wang pretended not to see him, and busily fanned the fire in the stove. She did not go to ask whether he wanted some tea. But at last he called out for two cups of tea.

Grandma Wang laughed and asked, “Sir, are you arrived? I have not seen you for several days. Please be seated.” She then prepared two cups of strong ginger tea, and placed them on the table.

“You come and drink tea with me,” said Ximen Qing.

She laughed loudly and said, “But I am not one of your sweethearts.”

Ximen Qing was amused at this, and asked, “Granny, what are the people in the opposite door selling?”

“What they’re selling is steaming, dripping, hot and spicy. said Grandma Wang.

Ximen Qing laughed and said, “You seem to be mad.”

Grandma Wang said, “I am not mad. She has her own husband.”

“Granny, I will be straight with you. As they make good cakes I want to ask them to make about fifty for me, but I do not know whether they are at home or not.”

“If you want to buy some cakes you may wait until her husband returns from cakes selling. What need is there for you to go to the house?” she asked.

“What you say is quite right,” said Ximen Qing, and after sipping his tea for a time he got up and asked for his bill.

“Never mind that,” she said. “I have put it on account.” Ximen Qing laughed again and left the tea-house. But Grandma Wang watched him closely from inside of her tea-house, and saw he went in one direction and looked closely at Wu the Elder’s house door, he then returned and passing it again and had another careful look at it, and so on seven or eight times. He then reentered her tea-house. She addressed him, “Sir, I have not seen you for quite a long time.”

Ximen Qing took out one tael of silver and gave them to her saying, “Please accept these in payment for my refreshments.”

She smiled and asked, “Why give me so much?”

“Never mind that,” replied Ximen Qing.

She was really pleased at this, as it showed her that he was defeated. So she took the money, and put it away. She then spoke to him,

“Sir, I see that you are thirsty. How would you like to have some tea?”

“How is it that you can get my idea correctly?” asked Ximen Qing.

“Where is the difficulty in that?” she asked. “There is an ancient saying, ‘When a person enters, there is no need to ask him whether his affairs are prosperous or not because his face will always tell you that.’ If there is any secret or strange affairs I can guess correctly.”

“Well, I have a secret affair and if you can guess what it is, I will give you five taels of silver.”

Grandma Wang laughed and said, “That will not need five guesses because I can guess it correctly in a straightway. Honorable Sir, let me whisper it in your ear. For these last few days you have been gallivanting about a great deal. So I know that you are very keen on that woman who is at our next door. Have I guessed rightly?”

“Granny,” said Ximen Qing laughingly, “your wisdom is certainly as great as that of Sui He and Lu Jia! I will not try to deceive you. I do not know how it happened, but since that woman dropped the forked stick on my head I seem to have lost my ‘three souls and seven essences.’ And I can think of no plan to get into her presence. Can you contrive a method to accomplish that?”

Grandma Wang laughed loudly saying, “Well, I will be straight with you. I, of course, sell tea, but I am generally known as ‘devil playing a night-watchman.’ Three years ago, on a day in the sixth month when it snowed I sold one cup of tea, but ever since no second visitor has come and my livelihood had to depend on ‘other jobs.’”

“What are those ‘other jobs?’” asked Ximen Qing.

“My chief business,” she said, “is acting as a matchmaker, a broker, a midwife, arranging miscarriages, or as a procuress, a ‘Maboliu.’”66

66 One who arranges improper or adulterous relations.

“If you can arrange this matter for me,” said Ximen Qing, “I will give you ten taels of silver to provide a coffin for you, when the affair is completed.”

“Just listen to me,” said Grandma Wang. “For seducing the fair sex there are five things that are necessary.” She then explained them to him. “One, you must be as handsome as Pan An; Two, you need to be be ‘hung like a donkey’; Three you need to be as rich as Deng Tong; Four, you need to be as forebearing as a needle threading cotton wool; Five, you need to make the time and effort. Pan An, donkey, Deng Tong, forebearance, time and effort—you can do it only if you meet these requirements.”

“I have some of each of these five,” said Ximen Qing. “First, I’m not as handsome as Pan An, but I hold my own; second, I’ve had a big dick since I was young; third, my family has ‘some spare change’—not as much as Deng Tong, but we manage; fourth I’m very forebearing. If she hit me a hundred times, I wouldn’t retaliate even once; fifth, time and effort are not a problem—I’m here after all. Granny, if you will arrange this matter for me, and help me to accomplish it I shall be extremely grateful and reward you.”

“I know that you have all these qualifications,” said Grandma Wang, “but there is still one thing that stands in the way.”

“What is that?” he asked.

“Well, although you have all these things, yet if you are just short of one per cent of what I now refer to it may destroy all your chances. I know that you have always been thrifty, so I should like to know whether you are willing to splash out now.”

“Of course I will,” replied Ximen Qing, “I will be guided by what you advise.”

“As you are willing to spend the money, I have a plan by which you can meet that woman, but will you follow my advice?”

“Of course I will do whatever you propose,” replied Ximen Qing. “What is your plan?”

She laughed and said, “It is now late, and you had better go. But come back in half a year or three months, and we will discuss the matter further.”

Ximen Qing knelt down and appealed to her not to let the matter rest in that way.

She laughed at this and told him that he was getting precipitous. Her plan was an extremely good one, and it would be as successful as the famous military tactician Sunzi (6th century B. C.) who applied his methods to train court concubines into women soldiers. “Now I will tell you this, that woman was previously a servant in the house of a wealthy man at Qinghe County, and she is a very good sewing woman. Now I suggest you to purchase a roll of thin white silk, a roll of blue silk, a roll of pongee silk, ten taels of fine cotton, and give them to me. Then I will go across to meet her and have a chat with her. During tea I will tell her that a very wealthy man have presented me these silk for making my burial clothes. I will ask her to lend me her almanac to select an auspcious day on which to invite a tailor to make the clothes. If I see that she will not assist me I am afraid that the matter will be finished. But if she offers to help me in making the clothes and asks me not to send for a tailor then that will be the first step towards your object. I will ask her to come to my home to do the work. But if she wants me to go and do the work at her house that will be the end of the matter. If she offers to come here and cut the silk for me, that will be a second step towards your object. If she comes, I will then, of course, ask her to have some wine and cake with me. You need not come the first day. And if on the second day she prefers to take stuff to her house again the matter will be ended there, but if she comes every day to my house that will be the third step towards your object. During that day also you need not come here. On the third day you can come with your best dress, and cough outside the door, saying, ‘How is it that I have not seen you for several days, Grandma Wang?’ Then I will come and ask you to come inside. If, when you enter, she runs away, I cannot of course detain her, and that again will be the end of the matter. But if she does not move when she sees you then it will be the fourth step towards your object. When we are all seated I will explain to her that you are the person who gave me the silk. I will boast about your great generosity, and you can tease her about the needles and threads. If she makes no reply that will be the end of the matter. But if she replies that will be the fifth step towards your object. Then I will tell you how lucky I am to get her to come and help me. I will also praise both of you as donors; one gave me money and the other gave me assistance. I did not look for you on the street, but you both just happened to come here. I will then suggest that you are a good master, and should reward her for her voluntary work. If she runs away when you take out your money, the matter will again be over. If otherwise, that will be the sixth step towards success. When I have the money to buy refreshments I will tell her to entertain you while I am away. If she won’t do this the matter is over, but if she does not move that will be the seventh stage completed. When I come back with the things I will put them on the table and ask her to put her needles, etc. away and join us in drinking a little wine as provided by you. If she declines and says she must go, the matter will be over, but if actually she does not get up, that will be the eighth step toward success. When we have been drinking the wine for some time and are getting merry, I will say more wine is required. I will ask you for the money, and as I go out I will close the door. Then you two will be alone inside. If she gets nervous and runs back, the matter will be over. If she is not anxious when she hears me close the door, and remains inside then that will be the ninth stage completed.

“The last stage may be the most difficult. You must be careful and speak honeyed words to her, and avoid any roughness of manner or speech. Do not touch her with hand or foot or make any violent move, or else it will soon come to naught, and I cannot help you. You had better accidentally brush a chopstick off the table with your sleeve; then you stoop down, and quietly stroke her foot. But if she objects to this you will have to wait until I come to help you. It will be difficult to go any further in the matter. But if she does not say anything then the matter is completed and you can go ahead. What do you think of my plan?”

Ximen Qing laughed and said, “Your plan is extremely well thought out.”

Grandma Wang told him that he must not forget to give her the ten taels of silver.

Ximen Qing said, “How can one forget that oranges come from Dongting Lake when one is eating the peel? I will give you the money of course, but when can the plan be put into effect?”

“I will report further to you this evening,” said Grandma Wang. “As Wu the Elder has not yet returned I will now go across, and lay the bait. You can go and buy the rolls of silk, and engage a man to bring them here.”

“You need have no doubt as to carrying out of my part of the bargain,” said Ximen Qing. He then took his leave and went to a silk shop where he purchased the silks and ten rolls of pure cotton and told his servant to take them with five taels of silver to Grandma Wang’s tea-house.

She duly received the silk, and dismissed the servant. She went out by the back door to Pan Jinlian’s house. Pan Jinlian welcomed her, and invited her to go upstairs and sit down there. Grandma Wang asked why Pan Jinlian did not come to her tea-house the last few days, to which Jinlian replied that she had not been very well. Grandma Wang then asked if she had an almanac, as she wanted to select an auspicious day on which to cut out some silk for clothes.

Pan Jinlian asked what kind of clothes she was making.

Grandma Wang said that she had been far from well, and she could not be sure how it would end, so she was going to make some burial clothes for herself. She said at her request a very wealthy local man had given her a lot of silk to make the clothes with. She had had the silk at home for more than a year, but now as she felt her end was drawing near she had decided to wait no longer but make the clothes at once. As there was an intercalary month in that year she would like to have made a start during the next two days, but the tailor was so busy that he could not come, which was very disappointing.

When she heard this Pan Jinlian laughed and said, “I am afraid that I am not properly qualified to do such work, but if you would like it I could assist you in that matter.”

Grandma Wang also laughed and said, “If you would help me my soul might have a happy destination after my death. I have heard of your skill with needle and thread, but I did not dare to come and ask you about the matter.”

“There is no obstacle in the way,” said Pan Jinlian, “and as I have promised to do it I will certainly stick to my word. I will get a man to select an auspicious day, and then will come and help you on that day.”

Grandma Wang said, “If you will help me in this work there will be no need to select an auspicious day because you are such a fortunate person. The other day I did ask a man for an auspicious day, and I now remember that tomorrow is such a day, but then I did not think it necessary to select such a day to start with this work, so I did not take pain to remember it.”

“It is very important to have an auspicious day on which to start making interment vestures, but why wait for another auspicious day?” asked Jinlian.

“As you are quite willing, then I venture to ask you to come to my house tomorrow and we will start work,” said Grandma Wang.

“But why would you not come here to do this work?” asked Jinlian.

“Because I would like to watch you work, and as I live by myself I have no one to look after my house,” replied Grandma Wang.

“In that case I will come tomorrow as soon as I have had my breakfast,” said Jinlian.

When Grandma Wang left, she was very profuse in her thanks for the help offered. That afternoon she went straight to Ximen Qing, and reported to him what had been arranged. She told him to call at her house the day after the next.

The next day Grandma Wang got up early and cleaned and set her room in good order, and prepared water for making tea. She went and bought some thread, and then waited at home for the arrival of her guest. At the other house Wu the Elder had departed with his load of cakes after breakfast. As soon as he had gone his wife let down the door screen, and then went out by the back door to Grandma Wang’s house.

Grandma Wang was exceedingly glad to see her, and took her inside and invited her to partake of some strong tea, white pine-seeds, and walnuts which she had prepared. After their repast she cleared the table and brought out the four rolls of silk. Pan Jinlian examined them, measured them, and after cutting them in lengths began to sew. Grandma Wang looked on and applauded all that was done. She said that although she was nearly seventy years old she had never seen such excellent needlework before. Jinlian continued sewing till about noon, when Grandma Wang invited her to stop and dine—food, wine, and vermicelli being prepared. Afterwards the sewing went on until late in the afternoon when Jinlian went home. Shortly afterwards Wu the Elder returned, and his wife opened the door for him and raised the curtain. When Wu the Elder entered the room he noticed that his wife was flushed so he asked her where she had been drinking wine. Pan Jinlian then explained that she had been across the way sewing for their neighbor Grandma Wang who at noon had asked her to partake of some repast.

Wu the Elder did not like this, and said that if she had to go again he preferred that the repast be taken in his own house. He objected to her causing trouble to other people. If she went the following day he wanted her to take some money, buy some food, and invite Grandma Wang to dine with her. There was a saying, “A distant relative is not as good as a near neighbor.” He did not however wish her to lose their neighbor’s fraternity. But if Grandma Wang did not want to accept her hospitality then she must ask her to bring the work to his house. His wife listened to this, but made no comment.

The next day Grandma Wang went on with her deceitful scheme, and as soon as Wu the Elder had gone she came to his house, and asked his wife to go and proceed with the needlework. They both went to Grandma Wang’s house, and the sewing was taken up, while Grandma Wang got the tea ready. This went on till near noon when Pan Jinlian took out a string of cash and gave it to Grandma Wang saying that it would be used for some wine for them to drink.

But Grandma Wang would not take it. She said it would be unreasonable. “I have asked you to come here and do this work for me, so how could I allow you to spend money?”

“My husband told me to make this offer,” replied Jinlian, “and if you would not accept it then I should do the work at my own home.”

“Your husband is very kind,” said Grandma Wang. She was afraid that her plans would be upset if she did not accept the money so she took it, added some of her own money and went out to buy the best wine, food, and fruit. Upon her return she took every care to entertain her guest. Now, reader, you should know that the women of this generation, no matter how clever and careful they are, cannot escape the temptations of evil men, and nine out of ten of them will be duped. Grandma Wang prepared some meat and requested Jinlian to dine and drink wine with her. This was done, and in the evening Jinlian returned home.

On the third day Grandma Wang watched for the departure of Wu the Elder and then went by the back entrance to his house, and again requested his wife to come with her. The latter agreed and they both adjourned to Grandma Wang’s house where the needlework was continued until nearly noon.

Now Ximen Qing had not forgotten that this was the day for him to appear on the scene, so he put on a new turban, and dressed in his best clothes. Taking about four taels of silver he set out for the Zishi Street. Upon arriving at the door of the tea-house he coughed and said, “Granny Wang, how is it that I have not seen you for so long?”

Grandma Wang went out and asked laughingly, “Who are you?”

“It’s I,” replied Ximen Qing.

“As first I wondered who it was,” she said looking round, “but now I see that it is you, my benefactor. Please come inside and have a look.” She took hold of his sleeve and drew him inside, and when he saw Pan Jinlian she said to her, “This is the gentleman who gave me the silk.”

Ximen Qing saluted Pan Jinlian, and upon seeing this she dropped her work, and saluted him with both hands.

Grandma Wang then addressed Ximen Qing, “You will remember that about a year ago you gave me a lot of silk. I did not do anything with it, until a few days ago when this lady offered to help me in making the clothes. She is an excellent needlewoman, and very skillful in her work. She does the fine minute parts very well indeed. Just look at the work she has done.”

Ximen Qing looked at the silk and said, “How is it possible for anyone to do such wonderful work? It looks as though it had been done by a fairy.”

Jinlian laughed and said, “Sir, you need not laugh at me.”

Ximen Qing addressed Grandma Wang and asked, “May I dare ask you who this lady is?”

“Honorable Sir, you had better guess,” replied Grandma Wang.

“How can I guess?” replied Ximen Qing.

Grandma Wang laughed and said, “This is our neighbor Pan Jinlian. The other day she dropped a forked stick on your head; its fall must have caused no pain that you now have forgotten it?”

Jinlian with a violent red blush said, “On that day my hand unfortunately slipped, but I hope that you will not bear me any grudge.”

“Nothing of the kind!” replied Ximen Qing.

Grandma Wang interrupted by saying, “This man is always amiable and has never born any grudge towards any one. He is an extremely good man.”

“I was then not aware that she was the wife of Wu the Elder,” said Ximen Qing. “I know of course that he sells cakes on the street to support his family, but he also is quite a good man. He earns money, and is a good-tempered fellow. Such men are very rare.”

Grandma Wang remarked, “Do you know that since Wu the Elder married her, she has always been obedient to him in every matter.”

“He is a useless man,” said Jinlian, “but, sir, you will not laugh at him.”

“Madame, you are mistaken,” said Ximen Qing, “There is an ancient saying, ‘Meekness is essential to success; violence will bring calamities.’ As your husband is such a good man he is like the saying, ‘Of a vast volume of water not one drop could leak away.’”

Grandma Wang interrupted him by saying, “That is so.”

Ximen Qing now sat down opposite to Jinlian, and Grandma Wang asked the latter whether she recognized him, but Jinlian replied that she did not know him.

Grandma Wang said, “Well, he is one of the rich men of our town, and is on very friendly terms with the magistrate. He is called the Honorable Ximen Qing. He has a great deal of money, and has a dispensary opposite the yamen. At home his store of money is so high it reaches the Big Dipper and has granaries full of rice. At home things yellow are of gold, and that of white are of silver; round things are pearls, and bright are jewels. He has precious rhinoceros horns and elephants’ tusks.” She indulged in this puff like a quack (as she really did not believe in it herself). While this was going on Jinlian bowed her head over the needlework. But Ximen Qing gazed at her longingly, and was anxious to have her alone. Grandma Wang went and got two cups of tea which she set before them saying that she hoped Jinlian would entertain him. While the two were drinking the tea they made eyes at each other. Grandma Wang stroked her face with her hand, and Ximen Qing knew that he had already got halfway there. She said to him, “If you, sir, had not happened to drop in I could not have dared to ask you to come here. It was very fortunate for you to come today. There is a saying, ‘One guest cannot disturb two hosts.’ You gave me the money, and she gives me her labor. I did not go on the street looking for you, and this lady just happens to be here when you call, so I hope that as you are a good master, you will entertain her for me.”

Ximen Qing expressed regret that he had not thought of that before, and he now took out some money and gave it to Grandma Wang to buy some wine.

Jinlian objected to this but she did not move. Grandma Wang took the money, but even then Jinlian did not move. As Grandma Wang left the room to buy some things she turned and asked Jinlian to sit and talk with their guest. Jinlian told her she need not go out to buy the things, but still she did not move. It was now evident that Jinlian and Ximen Qing had the same idea. Ximen Qing looked at her steadily, and Jinlian took stealthy glances at him. She liked his appearance, and had almost made up her mind, but she dropped her head again and awaited developments. Soon Grandma Wang returned with a fat goose, cooked meat, and very nice fruit which she had purchased. She soon had them arranged on a tray, and brought them into the room, and placed the tray on the table. Jinlian asked Grandma Wang to entertain their guest as she was not justified in doing so, again she did not move.

“But how can you say that,” replied Grandma Wang, “because this is particularly to entertain you?”

They all three then sat down at the table, and the wine was poured out. Ximen Qing lifted up a cup of wine and asked Jinlian to drink it.

Jinlian laughed and said, “Sir, I am much obliged to you for your kindness.”

“I know that you like the wine,” said Grandma Wang, “so I hope that you are not standing on ceremony, but drink a few cups of wine.”

Ximen Qing then picked up his chopsticks, and asked Grandma Wang to get the lady to eat some food also. Grandma Wang selected some of the best food, and gave them to Jinlian. After they had drunk about three cups of wine each Grandma Wang went for a fresh supply.

While she was away Ximen Qing asked Jinlian how old she was, to which she replied that she was twenty-three years of age. Ximen Qing said that he was five years older. To which she replied, “You are as high as the sky while I am as low as ground.”

Just then Grandma Wang returned and said, “What a fine smart lady you are! You are not only good at needle craft, but you are also well educated.”

Ximen Qing said, “Where is there another lady like her? Wu the Elder was very fortunate in getting such a prize.”

“I speak to the point when I say that although you have many women at home I guarantee you have not a lady equal to this one,” said Grandma Wang.

“About that matter I am very sorry, I cannot say anything,” said Ximen Qing, “except that I have been unfortunate in not getting a really good wife.”

“But, sir, your first wife was good,” said Grandma Wang.

“I do not care to talk about her,” said Ximen Qing, “but if she were alive now my house would not have been turned upside down. Just now I have about three or seven concubines, but they are all useless, just mouths waiting to be fed.”

“How many years has it been since the death of your first wife, sir?” asked Jinlian.

“I do not wish to say that,” said Ximen Qing, “but although she came of a poor family she was exceedingly clever, and managed all my affairs well. Unfortunately, she died. That was three years ago, and since then all my affairs at home have been in great confusion. That is why I do not stay at home now, because there I get nothing but abuse and annoyance.”

“Sir, please do not be offended if I speak to you rather straightforwardly,” said Grandma Wang, “your first wife was not as good as Jinlian at needle craft.”

“She was moreover not as good-looking as this lady,” said Ximen Qing.

Grandma Wang laughed and said, “But is it not true that you keep a mistress on the East Street? And yet you have never asked me to go there and have tea with you.”

“She is a singsong girl named Zhang Xixi,” said Ximen Qing. “But I know that she is also a stranger so that I do not care for her.”

“But are you not Madame Li Qiaoqiao’s lover for a long time too?” asked Grandma Wang.

“Oh! I have taken her to my home,” said Ximen Qing. “If she were as pretty as this lady I would of course have married her long ago.”

“And if I find a woman like this lady may I come to your house as a matchmaker to discuss marriage?” asked Grandma Wang.

“Both my father and mother are dead,” replied Ximen Qing, “I now manage my own affairs so who can question anything I do?”

“Speaking earnestly,” said Grandma Wang, “how could I immediately get a woman who would suit your taste?”

“Why not?” asked Ximen Qing. “So far I have only been unfortunate in marriage and, therefore, I have not met the one as I desire.”

They talked further on this subject, and then Grandma Wang pointed out that they had drunk all the wine and said that she should go out to buy some more.

“I have here five taels of silver which I will hand you to buy wine with,” said Ximen Qing, “and if it is too much then you can keep the balance.”

As she took the money, and arose to go out, Grandma Wang looked at her lady friend, and saw that the wine had had its effect. She still however hung down her head, but did not move. Grandma Wang knew that they both had the same object, and that when she left them together they would soon arrange matters. Grandma Wang was pleased and she said to Jinlian, “I will now go and buy some more wine, so I shall have to trouble you to entertain this gentleman. Is there still some wine left? If any, fill two cups for the Honorable Ximen Qing. There is a place near the yamen where I can buy some good wine so that I may be some time before I return.”

Jinlian said she did not want any more wine, but again she did not move. So Grandma Wang left them, but as she went out she fastened the door with a rope, and sat down just on the other side.

Ximen Qing took a cup of wine, and asked Jinlian to drink it. As he did this he brushed a chopstick off the table with his sleeve. This was a trick, as it fell close to the feet of the lady. When he stooped down to pick it up, he saw that she had two small pointed feet. So he stealthily placed his hand on her embroidered shoe.

She laughed at this but said, “You need not be so backward.”

Ximen Qing knelt down and petitioned her to satisfy his desire. She thereupon embraced him, and he got up. Soon afterwards Grandma Wang returned and pretending to be angry said, “You two look happy.” Both Ximen Qing and Jinlian were startled, and Grandma Wang continued, “I asked you to come here to help me to make some clothes, and not to carry on with this man. If Wu the Elder got to know of this he would blame me. I will go and tell him about it at once.” She then turned round to leave the room. But Jinlian seized hold of her skirt and begged to be forgiven. Ximen Qing appealed to her not to make a noise.

“If you want me to forgive you, you must do one thing as I tell you,” said Grandma Wang.

“I will obey you in everything, not to say one thing,” said Jinlian.

“Then from now you must deceive your husband, and not let him know of this affair. You must not break your promise and abuse the kindness of this gentleman, and then I will not disclose the affair. But if you do not come here once every day, I will immediately tell your husband.”

“I will do as you wish,” said Jinlian.

“Sir, it is not necessary for me to advise you,” said Grandma Wang to Ximen Qing. “This affair is now completed, but you must not forget to present me with those things. If you should forget that, I should then have to inform Wu the Elder.”

“You need not trouble about that,” said Ximen Qing, “I will keep my promise.”

The three then sat down, and drank wine until late in the afternoon when Jinlian got up and said that her husband would soon return and she must go now. She left and entered her own home through the back door, Wu the Elder came in shortly afterwards.

Being alone with Ximen Qing, Grandma Wang asked him, “Well, what do you think of my plan?”

“It all passed off very smoothly,” said Ximen Qing. “I will now go to my house, and send you the sum of money I promised. How dare I not keep my word?”

“Then I will wait with great expectations,” said Grandma Wang. “But do not let me beg for the money after I have rendered the service.”

Ximen Qing laughed and departed. Every day Jinlian stole into Grandma Wang’s house, and there continued to meet Ximen Qing. Their feelings were like varnish, and their hearts stuck together like glue. There is an ancient saying, “Good deeds are never heard of outside the door, but bad deeds are proclaimed for a thousand li.” In less than a fortnight all the neighbors knew about this affair, and Wu the Elder was the only one who did not know about it.

We will now consider another matter. In the town there was a boy called Qiao of about fifteen years of age. His father had been a soldier at Yunzhou, an ancient city in Shandong and the boy was nicknamed Yun Ge.67 He was very cute, and earned a little money by selling fruit at the inns; Ximen Qing had set him up in business by advancing the small capital. One day he was hawking with a basket of “Snow Pears,” and was also on the lookout for Ximen Qing. Upon his inquiring if anyone had seen Ximen Qing, a man said that if he really wanted to find him he would tell him where to go.

“Well,” said Yun Ge, “I you will tell me it will enable me to earn a few cash for the support of my old father.”

“Well,” said the bystander, “I suppose Ximen Qing is at his usual work of seducing Pan Jinlian. He goes every day to meet her at Grandma Wang’s tea-house in the Zishi Street. He will certainly be there now. As you are only a small boy, there would be no objection raised if you went inside.”

The boy went straightway to the Zishi Street, and entering the tea shop saw Grandma Wang seated on a stool weaving the yarn. He put his basket down and saluted her with both hands.

“Yun Ge, what do you want here?” asked Grandma Wang.

“I am looking for an Honorable gentleman to earn a few cash from him,” replied the boy.

“What ‘Honorable’?”

“You know whom I am looking for,” said the boy.

“What is his name?”

“His family name has two characters,” replied the boy.

“What are the two characters?”

“Granny, you are only playing with me. I want to speak to the Honorable Ximen Qing.” So saying he went towards the next room. But Grandma Wang was quick, and seizing his coat, she asked, “You little monkey! Where are you going? In houses there are places where you cannot go.”

“I am only going to look for him inside,” he said.

“You stinking monkey!” exclaimed Grandma Wang. “How could Ximen Qing be in my rooms?”

“What I do not know? But as you make money, why not let me share a little of it?”

“You little monkey!” exclaimed Grandma Wang. “What do you know?”

“You are like a chopper cutting vegetables in a wooden bowl,” said the boy, “because not the least bit leaks out. If I told what I know I am afraid that the seller of cakes would make trouble.”

As soon as Grandma Wang heard this, she knew that he had got hold of what she thought was her secret, so she was angry and shouted at him, “You monkey! How dare you come into my house, and fart like that!”

“I am a monkey, but you are a pimp!” said the boy.

She thereupon seized hold of him and boxed him on the head with her knuckles.

“What are you beating me for?”

“You thieving monkey! If you make any noise I will box your ears,” said Grandma Wang.

“You brothel-keeper! You have no reason for beating me.”

Grandma Wang dragged him to the street door, and all the way hammered at his head. She then took his basket of snow pears, and threw them through the door, and they were scattered in all directions.

That little monkey could not retaliate with force, but he began to pick up the pears. Cursing, crying, picking up his pears, and pointing at the tea-house he shouted, “You old pimp! You need not get anxious, be assured that I will certainly go and tell him.” He at last picked up his basket, and went off to find a man.

Fox and hare in dons are turned over;

Mandarin ducks68 are roused from sleep.

We will now relate whom Yun Ge looked for.

Footnote

67 Elder Brother Yun.

68 Lovers.